Friday, August 23, 2013

Smiles

As of lately I am under a tremendous amount of stress. Mostly the "What If" has been hanging around in my head. I am so happy when Jxxxxx is with me, heck I nearly pee my pants when i see his name pop up on my phone. My work is at an all time stress level (all 3 jobs). My panic attacks are back. I've been handling them OK during the day without medicine. When the night comes, I can't control my dreams. They make no sense at all. Tonight Jxxxxx came over and we watched a movie and we kissed before and a whole lot more after the movie. It's been a while since I felt like he wanted me. Tonight I felt it. I was proud of myself for speaking up about how I felt about him. I don't remember his exact words but in a nutshell he was scared of being hurt, or at least that's what I heard. I told him I was scared too. To most people i come across as confident. Truth is, I'm insecure. I don't think I'm good enough for Jxxxxx. I'm thankful for my girlfriends. I have some good ones. They help me to see good things about me that i can't or wont see. I'm going to bed tonight thinking of those kisses I got tonight. If I could bottle them I wouldn't need that medication that calms me. I wish tonight when I wake, I could just roll over and touch Jxxxxx until I fall back asleep. I can't so I when I wake tonight, I'm going to think of those kisses and smile.

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