Friday, August 23, 2013


As of lately I am under a tremendous amount of stress. Mostly the "What If" has been hanging around in my head. I am so happy when Jxxxxx is with me, heck I nearly pee my pants when i see his name pop up on my phone. My work is at an all time stress level (all 3 jobs). My panic attacks are back. I've been handling them OK during the day without medicine. When the night comes, I can't control my dreams. They make no sense at all. Tonight Jxxxxx came over and we watched a movie and we kissed before and a whole lot more after the movie. It's been a while since I felt like he wanted me. Tonight I felt it. I was proud of myself for speaking up about how I felt about him. I don't remember his exact words but in a nutshell he was scared of being hurt, or at least that's what I heard. I told him I was scared too. To most people i come across as confident. Truth is, I'm insecure. I don't think I'm good enough for Jxxxxx. I'm thankful for my girlfriends. I have some good ones. They help me to see good things about me that i can't or wont see. I'm going to bed tonight thinking of those kisses I got tonight. If I could bottle them I wouldn't need that medication that calms me. I wish tonight when I wake, I could just roll over and touch Jxxxxx until I fall back asleep. I can't so I when I wake tonight, I'm going to think of those kisses and smile.

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Week 2 of the Rest of my Life

I sure hope the title of this post is true. It’s been one week since Jxxxxx contacted me. I’m sleeping better, I’m sleeping a lot. Sleeping is something I haven’t done a lot of in months. I can’t get enough of that man, he’s better than any drug I’ve ever taken. I think a couple of times this past week I forgot to take my sleeping meds and I slept fine. No night terrors at all. The piglets are happy about him being there too. G. I. Joe asked me today when he was coming for dinner. I told him I didn’t know. G. I. Joe said he hoped it was soon because I’m a better cook when he was around. Ha!! It’s funny how when you are happy, things you don’t like to do become enjoyable. Next week he will be out of town for most of the week. His son is graduating boot camp for the US Marines. You should see his face light up when he talks about his son. I was rather selfish and asked if I could go with him to his graduation. He said he didn’t know how his son would feel about that. He’s right he should spend as much time with his son as possible, just him and his son. I will be there when he gets back. I’m going to get back to work now and dream of his kisses. They bring a smile to my face and make my temperature go up a few degrees. I better go turn the air colder :-)

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Guess Who’s Back?

I will give you 3 guesses, oh heck take as many guesses as you want to. If you guessed The Bodyguard you get a prize. That’s right he’s back and he better be back for good or I will castrate him. Just when I gave up on him and let go of any hope of us reconciling, he comes around. He sent me a text yesterday morning. When I saw his name pop up on my phone, I started shaking and then started crying. I really thought he was screwing with me or he had sent a text to me by mistake. I got myself together and opened the text. It said “Hey there, just wanted to say Hello and Good Morning”, I think it was exactly what he had sent to me about a month ago and then dropped off the face of the earth. I was certain that he had moved on and was dating someone else. I thought maybe he meant to send it to her. I waited for about 30 minutes and I replied. After about 3 or 4 text exchanges, I just asked him if he wanted to have a relationship with me. He said YES! There were several more exchanges and then I told him that we needed to talk face to face about some things and he agreed. I met him after work and we talked. I think it might have been a little hard for him. I know it was hard for me. In the back of my mind I kept thinking you are an idiot! But my heart won. My heart told me he was sincere. He brought his dog to my house to meet my dog that I have recently inherited and I think they got along well. It scared me because my dog can be a bit aggressive. At some point in my back yard I kissed him and he kissed me back. Then I kissed him like Michael Squints Palledorous kissed Wendy Peffercorn. I kissed him long and good. Well, maybe not as long as I wanted to but I kissed him good. I have to admit that after he left, I still had a tinge of anxiety that he would disappear again. Then this morning when my phone rang and I looked down and saw our picture pop-up on my phone screen, I grinned and knew he was going to be there for me forever. I think I will celebrate with some cake!