Monday, July 29, 2013

Letting Go

Yesterday the Dancing Queen sent me an article and asked me to read it. She said she thought it might resonate with me and it did. The article was called “And then it was a time to let go”. It was a rather lengthy article but I made the time to read it. There was a part of the article where this lady was talking about regret about getting rid of an old sofa. She talked about how the sofa was her most prized possession. She told about all the memories that were made on that sofa, and I began to think about the memories that I had made on my own sofa which pretty much mirrored this ladies memories. The times we laid on that sofa, the sex we had on that sofa, the Christmas we spent on that sofa, the moonshine we drank on that sofa and to many more to name. She went on to say that the sofa was so old that sitting on it was an uncomfortable experience because the cushions were lumpy which made her angry because she didn’t have the money to buy a new sofa. This lady had a friend who was moving and offered her sofa to the lady. This lady accepted her friends sofa and took months of planning to get her old sofa out of her house because it was so big. She finally hired 2 strong men to do the job. It was too big to get through the door, so they threw the old sofa over the balcony and put the old sofa in the alley. The lady had anxiety all day about the sofa. She worried that she had made a mistake and wanted the old sofa back. She finally sat on the new sofa and all the things she had been clutching to fell to the floor. She said goodbye to the old sofa. The article said a lot more but the part about the sofa did resonate with me. I actually hate my sofa. I hated it when I was making the memories but with him the hate I had for my sofa disappeared when he was with me on the sofa. Just like the lady I can’t afford a new sofa. And if any of my friends offer me a new sofa I’m going to take it. I’m slowly letting go. I can’t get rid of my sofa so yesterday I took my favorite picture of me and him off of my refrigerator and put it in the closet. And then I cried. I also realized that I will have to make new memories, just like he is doing. I may never love anyone like I love him but if I don’t let go, I will never love again. I want to love again. I’m crying as I type this but I know I have to let go. Wish me luck and wish me courage! I’m going to need both.

Friday, July 26, 2013

I'm so lost

I knew this day would come and I tried to prepare for it. Preparations didn't work. The Bodyguard has moved on. My heart hurts, it hurts badly. It's so hard to breathe. I don't want to breathe. How could I have ever believed he would love me forever???? 3 months later he is with another. I wish I could hate him but I can't. I love him. He doesn't love me. I will say it over and over till I believe it. He doesn't love me. 

Monday, July 22, 2013

Slipping Away

I'm slowly slipping away. It's like watching a precious jewel wash away with the tide. I can see the stone sparkle as the waves rush in and the tide pulls it into the ocean. I feel like I'm drowning. I scream for help and no one hears my cries. I sink deeper into the dark waters. I'm not talking about a stone and I'm not talking about the ocean. The tide sweeps away what's left on the beach and in return leaves sea shells. Some are beautiful and unbroken. They are picked up and kept as treasures. Some are just broken, left to be buried. He picks up the treasures, I'm the broken shell.

Monday, July 15, 2013

In The Arms of an Angel

I'm thinking of changing my blog name to  "Love Notes to J....." I saw your link tonight. I figured you had your son on your mind. If we were still friends I would have told you that I wrote a post the other night and I think I called it still trying or something like that. I later deleted it because I was afraid you would read it. You found this site once and I changed the settings so no one could see it for a couple of months. Still trying was about me trying not to think about you. I deleted it because it was obvious I still think of you. G. I. Joe wanted me to call you and talk to you about what you knew about the Military. I told him that I had hurt your feelings and you were mad at me and that is why I couldn't call you.   I think of you, your son and my own son tonight because of your post "in the Arms of an Angel". If you are reading this, you will understand what I'm saying. A couple if weeks ago Asswipe text me and told me G. I. Joe had registered for Collage, and he gave me the total $$$ of the four classes that he registered for. I didn't respond to his text so the next day he called me to make sure I got his text and to make sure I was aware of the cost of the four classes. I told him I got his text and that I didn't think G. I. Joe has enough self discipline for collage. I told him I thought G. I. Joe would benefit from joining the Military if they would have him. I explained to Asswipe that G. I. Joe was not disciplined enough to tackle collage. Asswipe said I would rather see G. I. Joe dead in Afghanistan than pay for his collage. I told Asswipe that this was far from the truth and reminded him that not everyone who joins the armed services dies. Dear J. if your post was about your son and you happen to read this, know that at least one person prays for his safety daily. I believe he is in the arms of an Angel. A protective Angel.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

This Aint Your Mama’s Broken Heart!

When I hear this song I can’t help but think if my own Mother saw me now, she would have told me the same thing. Go and fix your makeup, girl it’s just a breakup. Run and hide your crazy and start acting like a lady, cause I raised you better gotta keep it together even when you fall apart. Well at least the fix your makeup part and hide your crazy part is something my Mother would have said. She might have even said cause I raised your better but that part would not be accurate (That part is a whole other post for another day). I remember when I was about 16 or 17 years old. I met my Mother at the Mall with a girlfriend. I remember trying so hard to look good. I put makeup on and even rolled my hair. We walked up to greet my Mother and she looked at me and said and I quote “You look like something the Devil drug in”. I will never forget those words. I was mortified. 1st I couldn’t believe she said that in front of my friend and second, I don’t know what I could have done to look any better. Maybe I didn’t wear the right clothes. Who knows? All I do know is that from that day forward I worried about how I looked. I think Sunday I hit an all time low. I’m so thankful that I took off for the weekend. I found out that someone changed their phone number. He ended up giving it to me but I don’t think he really wanted to. I think the worst part was when I called the Dancing Queen and asked her to text him to see if it was just me that was getting the bounce back. She took a deep breath and said she was so sorry to tell me that he had called her Friday or Saturday to let her know he had changed his number. Talk about a slap in the face. I think it hit me right then that he just wasn’t into me anymore. Just 2 weeks ago he sure seemed to be. But something happened. I guess I will never know what happened. I saw something today and it said “What’s done is done. What’s gone is gone. One of life’s lessons is always moving on. It’s OK to look back and think of fond memories but keep moving forward”. That is what I have to do to keep my sanity. I have to quit dwelling on him. I will continue to have fond memories of him but I can’t allow myself to think that he will ever love me again the way he once did. I gotta fix my makeup and hide my crazy. If it’s meant to be it will be.

Sunday, July 07, 2013

Sad Days

Sad days is an understatement. Sad months is accurate. I'm going to put my personal sadness aside for now. Queenie has moved home from Auburn into my house. I'm happy to have her here. I'm even happy to have her dog move in. He is way to big for my house but he helps fill a void in my heart. Today she took her dog to her Dad's house to visit her brother. Her Dad AKA asswipe has installed Video camera's in his house so he can see what G. I. Joe does when he is out of town. He is out of town often, not because of work but because he married into money and he is a kept man. Today while Queenie took her dog she rescued while in Auburn to visit her brother and her dog that her dad got her in high school, her father tuned into the video camera and saw her new dog there. He called and told her to leave. He said their (Asswipe and the new wife's) dog would smell Queenies rescewed dog and it would cause her other dog to get his senses screwed up. I could say "how did I ever love this man" but I know the answer. He rescued me and for that I am grateful. Now that I have learned to stand on my own two feet, all I can say is I feel sorry for him. My children come to me for advise, they come yo me when they are hurt, they come to me when they just want to vent. For as many times that I questioned myself as a Mother, I know I did good. I'm not as happy as I was a few months ago. Actually, I'm just not happy...period. However, I know I'm a good mother. 

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

First Kiss

Two years ago today I shared an unexpected magical kiss with the Bodyguard in Nashville. Who would have guessed how this man could have changed my life. I sure didn’t expect it. I knew I liked him but didn’t expect that I would ever fall so deeply in love with him. Then I screwed it up. Ironically it was because of something I wrote in this blog. Last week he was speaking to me, or I should say texting me. How could a little text send me into such a state of pure bliss? If I had won the lottery I don’t think I could have felt any differently. Then on Sunday I text him to ask how he was and he didn’t reply. It worried me that something was wrong with his family, so I didn’t bother him again that day. Yesterday I text him again and asked if he was OK. He said he didn’t feel well and would probably go home from work early. How I wish I could take care of that man. I think I’m the happiest when I take care of others. The song by Barry White comes to mind when I think about him. You are my First, my Last, my Everything. He is the 1st man I not only loved but was “In love with” still am. He will be the last man I love. There is no way anything like this comes around twice. And he is everything to me. Because of him I broke a pattern. I allowed myself to have sex with someone who I cared for. I know that sounds weird but there are things about me that no one knows. When I think about him I think about the things that he did that made me laugh. I remember one of the last times I saw him, we were in the kitchen talking and I looked up and just totally went off track with the conversation because I saw a piece of paint that was peeling, that really cracked him up and I remember how he was practically bent over laughing at me. I remember sitting on my love seat during the winter and my legs were stretched across him. I had to get up for something, so he took a picture of my legs so that they could get back in the same position when I got back. I remember the one and only time I got to hear him play the guitar. I really enjoyed that. I remember every live music event we went to. I remember when just the 2 of us went to Nashville and when we got back to the room I wanted more Champagne because I was so afraid I was going to disappoint him in bed. I don’t think I disappointed him. He was sure no disappointment to me. I remember spending Christmas with him. It was the 1st Christmas I have enjoyed since the piglets were small children. I remember how he used to smack me on the behind being playful. Mostly I remember when he came to my house, it was all I could do to contain myself till he got in the door. I wanted to run and jump up and wrap my arms around his neck and put my legs around him like a kid. There is just no way that kind of love comes around twice in a life time.
Happy July 2nd! I hope I get many more kisses and many more happy memories from him.

Monday, July 01, 2013

I'm Healthy

It's been months since I gave platelets. I used to give them once a month then my shoulder starting hurting. I took Advil to relieve the pain but when you take Advil or Aspirin you can't give platelets. I must be one of the few people left in the world who hasn't had sex with a prostitute or spent time in jail. Those are just a couple of items on the list of questions that they ask me so I'm cleared for the needle. LifeSouth has been calling me nearly every week begging for me to come give platelets again. They say my platelet count is really high, which is a good thing. It takes about 2 hours to do, so since I was off of work, I grabbed a movie and to the hospital I went. I made a point of doing something for someone else. My blood pressure was good and my iron counts was outstanding, it was 14. I got the results of my cholesterol count today and it looks good too, it was 182. It feels good to do things for others. I wish I could do more. Do something for someone today. It will make you feel good.