Thursday, May 30, 2013

Dear Jxxxxx

It’s been 2 months since I last saw you and you are still the 1st person I think of when I wake and the last person I think of when I close my eyes to sleep. I have already told you how sorry I was for not coming to you with my insecurities. Instead I wrote about something that didn’t scare me. I know it sounded to you like I was hung up on another man but that was not the case at all. I was hung up on you. Writing those things were my way of reminding me that if you walked away that I could always go back to just having a lover. You living with your parents was really hard for me. I wanted to spend more time with you and couldn’t. Your job required that you get in bed at a decent hour. Had you been living on your own, I could have visited you during the week and I could have made the 20 minute drive home. I asked you twice to fix it with your Mother so I could visit you and twice you said you would but you hadn’t done it. That was important to me and I felt like you didn’t do it because you didn’t want me there. I wanted you to spend the night with me more than just Saturday nights and you said you had to go home and take care of the dogs, yet you could go live with some girl in Cullman and make a trip everyday to your parents to take care of your dog. I know you had since gotten a puppy and I told you that you could bring him to my house. I do believe that if you had not been hurt by other women that you would have talked to me and asked me what was going through my head when I wrote that stuff. I feel like I am being punished for what other women did to you. As far as what you saw about a lover, you totally got that all wrong. It had nothing to do with your performance. It had to do with me trying to let myself enjoy sex with someone who loved me and that I loved. I have a dark side of me that you know nothing of. I feel so foolish now. I really thought that you would be mad at me for a couple of weeks then we would talk and be back to where we were. Instead you shut down. I don’t understand that. I did nothing but love you. I adored you and was devoted to you. I have never been more connected to anyone in my life. I know that sounds cliché but it’s true. I feel like I am in mourning. Everyone keeps telling me to move on. I don’t want to move on. I want my best friend back. I pray that your heart heals soon.
All my love.
C.

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