Thursday, November 07, 2013

Things

I love that you are soft spoken. I hate your "No Shave November Beard" and I love that you will not shave it for me. I love that you hold my hand. I hate that you leave me at 10:30. I love the kisses you give me before you leave. I hate shopping and I love to go shopping with you. I know you hate my dance music and I love that you laugh when I hear it and can't contain my dance feaver. 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Crazy in the Backyard

Queenie went out of town for a couple of days and left me in charge of Crazy. The first night we went out and sat in the backyard. The evenings are getting cooler and even if they weren’t I think it was cooler outside than in my house. My air conditioner has gone out. I have decided to tough it out till next summer or until it gets so hot that I’m miserable, which will probably be March. I poured myself a glass of wine. I opted for the good stuff; you know the kind that comes out of a bottle as opposed to the boxed wine also known as the never ending adult juice box. I sat down at the yard table, turned on my music and took a sip of wine thinking this would be a relaxing night. Crazy had other ideas. My yard is not completely fenced in, so Queenie bought a wireless electric fence for dogs. She trained Crazy in a couple of days. Overall he is a good dog, his only fault is that he is a BIG dog and he thinks he is a baby. So, just as I put the glass to my lips, Crazy see’s a rabbit in the back yard. He was gone quicker than lightning. I threw my glass down on the table, managing not to spill the good wine and took off after him. I really don’t know what he would have done if he had caught the rabbit but I didn’t want to find out. I finally got him back to where I was sitting. He found a stick in the yard that was about the size of my leg and I have some large legs. He picks it up in his mouth and drags it back to where I was sitting. Then he stops chewing on the stick, gets up cocks his head, ears up and tail down and he’s off again, this time he tries to chase a squirrel up the tree. No animal is safe in my backyard. The squirrels drive him nuts. I think he has taken one too many rides in the car with Queenie. Just last week Queenie came home and announced that she might have scared an old lady that lives down the street. When I asked her why that was, she proceeded to tell me how a squirrel crossed her path while she was driving and she ran it over then preceded with fist pumping and yelling victoriously. The old lady was horrified. There must be some sort of “Kill the Squirrels” type epidemic that runs in my family. My grandmother used to sit on her front porch and shoot the squirrels with a B.B. gun. I don’t know how many she killed but let’s just say we always had plenty of pecans to pick up. The thrill of squirrel killing skipped me. I hate to kill animals except roaches, rats and snakes. Those things have no place in my world. Luckily for me and the roaches, rats and snakes I don’t have a lot around my house. I have those big wood roaches outside and occasionally one will get in the house and even then I can’t smash it, but I can damn sure take aim from about 10 feet back with a can of RAID and kill those things.

Monday, October 07, 2013

Here I go Again

I’m reminded every time I go to Wal-Mart or Target that the Christmas Season is upon us. I know this because we haven’t got past Halloween and they already have Christmas junk out. I know I sound like a scrooge and I’m not. I just hate having it crammed down my throat. Last year was the best Christmas I could have possibly asked for. Because it was so good, I fear I will be let down this year. It’s not that I’m afraid I will not get good gifts; it’s not about the gifts. Last year J gave me a beautiful Sapphire Earrings and Necklace set. I think I liked the way he gave it to me more than the actual gift itself. I don’t have the money to give him what I want to and it bothers me. It bothers me that I don’t have the money to give my children what I want to give them. There it is. It’s the money. I’m still working 3 jobs and still broke. My summer job is about to come to an end and I fear my part time job that pays so well will end in the near future. The business is not doing well and I have heard through the grapevine that there is a chance they will close. I’m trying not to worry about that. I worry enough about everything else that I don’t need any more worries. That said, I’m getting very creative for Christmas. I bought the 1st gift today. I’m going to do some things I don’t like to do in order to accomplish this task of creative Christmas. I’m going to SHOP! The piglets will be easy to shop for, it’s J that is going to be a task. He has some really nice taste and my pocket book is not that deep. I know he will be happy with whatever I get him; it’s me that feels inadequate. I have started a list for the piglets and J. Every time I have an idea I write it on the list. I’ve cleaned out the hidey hole that I keep all the presents in. Queenie hasn’t figured out where this is YET. She terrible, she can’t stand not knowing what her gifts are. I think I have out smarted her. The hidey hole is almost in plain sight. I think she overlooks it because it’s right in front of her. Bring on Christmas! I got this!

Friday, September 13, 2013

I Love This Man

Tonight felt more normal than any night I've experienced in a while. I took the day off to work on my house. Several months back I started a remodel project in my hall bathroom. G. I. Joe was over using the shower for God knows why, which meant the bathroom never complety dried, and mold began growing on the ceiling. A contractor friend of mine said it would be best to remove the ceiling and put in a new one, so I did or I should say I tore the ceiling out myself but just didn't have the strength to put up a new ceiling so I hired someone to put in the ceiling for me. Several months, numerous bottles of wine, many tears and way too many bags of potato chips went by till my family stepped in and said we are worried about you. They didn't say we want to help, they said we are going to help. I gladly let them. Tonight it all came together. Jxxxxx got to experience the sister love/hate relationship, the Mother and Daughter bickering and my Soul Sisters input on what color towels to hang in the newly remodeled hall bath. At first I thought he might run and then I saw the amusement in his eyes. He doesn't have any sisters so all the estrogen in a small house must have been entertaining to him. He put up the cabinet above the toilet because he's strong as an ox! I wish someone had video'd that task. Jxxxxx just doing what we told him to do, me trying to use the drill to put the screws in, Norma Jean telling me to get out of the way and Soul Sister chiming in too. I finally got one screw in far enough that Jxxxxx took over the drill while Norma Jean and I held up the cabinet. Then came the discussion of the towels I bought to match the shower curtain. The shower curtain fell, the bathroom door slammed, then Norma Jean announced she was going to purchase another color of towels. I laughed at Jxxxxxs expression. I told him that he missed out by not having any sisters. Sisters may fight but the love we have for each other runs deeper than water. Norma Jean came back with new towels, I didn't like them at first but they began to grow on me. When I started writing this I was thinking of the kisses Jxxxxx gave me before he left and the desire that grew in me and I think him too, then we were interrupted. It felt good to be desired and felt good for my family to think of Jxxxxx as family. I Love that man. 

Friday, August 23, 2013

Smiles

As of lately I am under a tremendous amount of stress. Mostly the "What If" has been hanging around in my head. I am so happy when Jxxxxx is with me, heck I nearly pee my pants when i see his name pop up on my phone. My work is at an all time stress level (all 3 jobs). My panic attacks are back. I've been handling them OK during the day without medicine. When the night comes, I can't control my dreams. They make no sense at all. Tonight Jxxxxx came over and we watched a movie and we kissed before and a whole lot more after the movie. It's been a while since I felt like he wanted me. Tonight I felt it. I was proud of myself for speaking up about how I felt about him. I don't remember his exact words but in a nutshell he was scared of being hurt, or at least that's what I heard. I told him I was scared too. To most people i come across as confident. Truth is, I'm insecure. I don't think I'm good enough for Jxxxxx. I'm thankful for my girlfriends. I have some good ones. They help me to see good things about me that i can't or wont see. I'm going to bed tonight thinking of those kisses I got tonight. If I could bottle them I wouldn't need that medication that calms me. I wish tonight when I wake, I could just roll over and touch Jxxxxx until I fall back asleep. I can't so I when I wake tonight, I'm going to think of those kisses and smile.

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Week 2 of the Rest of my Life

I sure hope the title of this post is true. It’s been one week since Jxxxxx contacted me. I’m sleeping better, I’m sleeping a lot. Sleeping is something I haven’t done a lot of in months. I can’t get enough of that man, he’s better than any drug I’ve ever taken. I think a couple of times this past week I forgot to take my sleeping meds and I slept fine. No night terrors at all. The piglets are happy about him being there too. G. I. Joe asked me today when he was coming for dinner. I told him I didn’t know. G. I. Joe said he hoped it was soon because I’m a better cook when he was around. Ha!! It’s funny how when you are happy, things you don’t like to do become enjoyable. Next week he will be out of town for most of the week. His son is graduating boot camp for the US Marines. You should see his face light up when he talks about his son. I was rather selfish and asked if I could go with him to his graduation. He said he didn’t know how his son would feel about that. He’s right he should spend as much time with his son as possible, just him and his son. I will be there when he gets back. I’m going to get back to work now and dream of his kisses. They bring a smile to my face and make my temperature go up a few degrees. I better go turn the air colder :-)

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Guess Who’s Back?

I will give you 3 guesses, oh heck take as many guesses as you want to. If you guessed The Bodyguard you get a prize. That’s right he’s back and he better be back for good or I will castrate him. Just when I gave up on him and let go of any hope of us reconciling, he comes around. He sent me a text yesterday morning. When I saw his name pop up on my phone, I started shaking and then started crying. I really thought he was screwing with me or he had sent a text to me by mistake. I got myself together and opened the text. It said “Hey there, just wanted to say Hello and Good Morning”, I think it was exactly what he had sent to me about a month ago and then dropped off the face of the earth. I was certain that he had moved on and was dating someone else. I thought maybe he meant to send it to her. I waited for about 30 minutes and I replied. After about 3 or 4 text exchanges, I just asked him if he wanted to have a relationship with me. He said YES! There were several more exchanges and then I told him that we needed to talk face to face about some things and he agreed. I met him after work and we talked. I think it might have been a little hard for him. I know it was hard for me. In the back of my mind I kept thinking you are an idiot! But my heart won. My heart told me he was sincere. He brought his dog to my house to meet my dog that I have recently inherited and I think they got along well. It scared me because my dog can be a bit aggressive. At some point in my back yard I kissed him and he kissed me back. Then I kissed him like Michael Squints Palledorous kissed Wendy Peffercorn. I kissed him long and good. Well, maybe not as long as I wanted to but I kissed him good. I have to admit that after he left, I still had a tinge of anxiety that he would disappear again. Then this morning when my phone rang and I looked down and saw our picture pop-up on my phone screen, I grinned and knew he was going to be there for me forever. I think I will celebrate with some cake!

Monday, July 29, 2013

Letting Go

Yesterday the Dancing Queen sent me an article and asked me to read it. She said she thought it might resonate with me and it did. The article was called “And then it was a time to let go”. It was a rather lengthy article but I made the time to read it. There was a part of the article where this lady was talking about regret about getting rid of an old sofa. She talked about how the sofa was her most prized possession. She told about all the memories that were made on that sofa, and I began to think about the memories that I had made on my own sofa which pretty much mirrored this ladies memories. The times we laid on that sofa, the sex we had on that sofa, the Christmas we spent on that sofa, the moonshine we drank on that sofa and to many more to name. She went on to say that the sofa was so old that sitting on it was an uncomfortable experience because the cushions were lumpy which made her angry because she didn’t have the money to buy a new sofa. This lady had a friend who was moving and offered her sofa to the lady. This lady accepted her friends sofa and took months of planning to get her old sofa out of her house because it was so big. She finally hired 2 strong men to do the job. It was too big to get through the door, so they threw the old sofa over the balcony and put the old sofa in the alley. The lady had anxiety all day about the sofa. She worried that she had made a mistake and wanted the old sofa back. She finally sat on the new sofa and all the things she had been clutching to fell to the floor. She said goodbye to the old sofa. The article said a lot more but the part about the sofa did resonate with me. I actually hate my sofa. I hated it when I was making the memories but with him the hate I had for my sofa disappeared when he was with me on the sofa. Just like the lady I can’t afford a new sofa. And if any of my friends offer me a new sofa I’m going to take it. I’m slowly letting go. I can’t get rid of my sofa so yesterday I took my favorite picture of me and him off of my refrigerator and put it in the closet. And then I cried. I also realized that I will have to make new memories, just like he is doing. I may never love anyone like I love him but if I don’t let go, I will never love again. I want to love again. I’m crying as I type this but I know I have to let go. Wish me luck and wish me courage! I’m going to need both.

Friday, July 26, 2013

I'm so lost

I knew this day would come and I tried to prepare for it. Preparations didn't work. The Bodyguard has moved on. My heart hurts, it hurts badly. It's so hard to breathe. I don't want to breathe. How could I have ever believed he would love me forever???? 3 months later he is with another. I wish I could hate him but I can't. I love him. He doesn't love me. I will say it over and over till I believe it. He doesn't love me. 

Monday, July 22, 2013

Slipping Away

I'm slowly slipping away. It's like watching a precious jewel wash away with the tide. I can see the stone sparkle as the waves rush in and the tide pulls it into the ocean. I feel like I'm drowning. I scream for help and no one hears my cries. I sink deeper into the dark waters. I'm not talking about a stone and I'm not talking about the ocean. The tide sweeps away what's left on the beach and in return leaves sea shells. Some are beautiful and unbroken. They are picked up and kept as treasures. Some are just broken, left to be buried. He picks up the treasures, I'm the broken shell.

Monday, July 15, 2013

In The Arms of an Angel

I'm thinking of changing my blog name to  "Love Notes to J....." I saw your link tonight. I figured you had your son on your mind. If we were still friends I would have told you that I wrote a post the other night and I think I called it still trying or something like that. I later deleted it because I was afraid you would read it. You found this site once and I changed the settings so no one could see it for a couple of months. Still trying was about me trying not to think about you. I deleted it because it was obvious I still think of you. G. I. Joe wanted me to call you and talk to you about what you knew about the Military. I told him that I had hurt your feelings and you were mad at me and that is why I couldn't call you.   I think of you, your son and my own son tonight because of your post "in the Arms of an Angel". If you are reading this, you will understand what I'm saying. A couple if weeks ago Asswipe text me and told me G. I. Joe had registered for Collage, and he gave me the total $$$ of the four classes that he registered for. I didn't respond to his text so the next day he called me to make sure I got his text and to make sure I was aware of the cost of the four classes. I told him I got his text and that I didn't think G. I. Joe has enough self discipline for collage. I told him I thought G. I. Joe would benefit from joining the Military if they would have him. I explained to Asswipe that G. I. Joe was not disciplined enough to tackle collage. Asswipe said I would rather see G. I. Joe dead in Afghanistan than pay for his collage. I told Asswipe that this was far from the truth and reminded him that not everyone who joins the armed services dies. Dear J. if your post was about your son and you happen to read this, know that at least one person prays for his safety daily. I believe he is in the arms of an Angel. A protective Angel.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

This Aint Your Mama’s Broken Heart!

When I hear this song I can’t help but think if my own Mother saw me now, she would have told me the same thing. Go and fix your makeup, girl it’s just a breakup. Run and hide your crazy and start acting like a lady, cause I raised you better gotta keep it together even when you fall apart. Well at least the fix your makeup part and hide your crazy part is something my Mother would have said. She might have even said cause I raised your better but that part would not be accurate (That part is a whole other post for another day). I remember when I was about 16 or 17 years old. I met my Mother at the Mall with a girlfriend. I remember trying so hard to look good. I put makeup on and even rolled my hair. We walked up to greet my Mother and she looked at me and said and I quote “You look like something the Devil drug in”. I will never forget those words. I was mortified. 1st I couldn’t believe she said that in front of my friend and second, I don’t know what I could have done to look any better. Maybe I didn’t wear the right clothes. Who knows? All I do know is that from that day forward I worried about how I looked. I think Sunday I hit an all time low. I’m so thankful that I took off for the weekend. I found out that someone changed their phone number. He ended up giving it to me but I don’t think he really wanted to. I think the worst part was when I called the Dancing Queen and asked her to text him to see if it was just me that was getting the bounce back. She took a deep breath and said she was so sorry to tell me that he had called her Friday or Saturday to let her know he had changed his number. Talk about a slap in the face. I think it hit me right then that he just wasn’t into me anymore. Just 2 weeks ago he sure seemed to be. But something happened. I guess I will never know what happened. I saw something today and it said “What’s done is done. What’s gone is gone. One of life’s lessons is always moving on. It’s OK to look back and think of fond memories but keep moving forward”. That is what I have to do to keep my sanity. I have to quit dwelling on him. I will continue to have fond memories of him but I can’t allow myself to think that he will ever love me again the way he once did. I gotta fix my makeup and hide my crazy. If it’s meant to be it will be.

Sunday, July 07, 2013

Sad Days

Sad days is an understatement. Sad months is accurate. I'm going to put my personal sadness aside for now. Queenie has moved home from Auburn into my house. I'm happy to have her here. I'm even happy to have her dog move in. He is way to big for my house but he helps fill a void in my heart. Today she took her dog to her Dad's house to visit her brother. Her Dad AKA asswipe has installed Video camera's in his house so he can see what G. I. Joe does when he is out of town. He is out of town often, not because of work but because he married into money and he is a kept man. Today while Queenie took her dog she rescued while in Auburn to visit her brother and her dog that her dad got her in high school, her father tuned into the video camera and saw her new dog there. He called and told her to leave. He said their (Asswipe and the new wife's) dog would smell Queenies rescewed dog and it would cause her other dog to get his senses screwed up. I could say "how did I ever love this man" but I know the answer. He rescued me and for that I am grateful. Now that I have learned to stand on my own two feet, all I can say is I feel sorry for him. My children come to me for advise, they come yo me when they are hurt, they come to me when they just want to vent. For as many times that I questioned myself as a Mother, I know I did good. I'm not as happy as I was a few months ago. Actually, I'm just not happy...period. However, I know I'm a good mother. 

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

First Kiss

Two years ago today I shared an unexpected magical kiss with the Bodyguard in Nashville. Who would have guessed how this man could have changed my life. I sure didn’t expect it. I knew I liked him but didn’t expect that I would ever fall so deeply in love with him. Then I screwed it up. Ironically it was because of something I wrote in this blog. Last week he was speaking to me, or I should say texting me. How could a little text send me into such a state of pure bliss? If I had won the lottery I don’t think I could have felt any differently. Then on Sunday I text him to ask how he was and he didn’t reply. It worried me that something was wrong with his family, so I didn’t bother him again that day. Yesterday I text him again and asked if he was OK. He said he didn’t feel well and would probably go home from work early. How I wish I could take care of that man. I think I’m the happiest when I take care of others. The song by Barry White comes to mind when I think about him. You are my First, my Last, my Everything. He is the 1st man I not only loved but was “In love with” still am. He will be the last man I love. There is no way anything like this comes around twice. And he is everything to me. Because of him I broke a pattern. I allowed myself to have sex with someone who I cared for. I know that sounds weird but there are things about me that no one knows. When I think about him I think about the things that he did that made me laugh. I remember one of the last times I saw him, we were in the kitchen talking and I looked up and just totally went off track with the conversation because I saw a piece of paint that was peeling, that really cracked him up and I remember how he was practically bent over laughing at me. I remember sitting on my love seat during the winter and my legs were stretched across him. I had to get up for something, so he took a picture of my legs so that they could get back in the same position when I got back. I remember the one and only time I got to hear him play the guitar. I really enjoyed that. I remember every live music event we went to. I remember when just the 2 of us went to Nashville and when we got back to the room I wanted more Champagne because I was so afraid I was going to disappoint him in bed. I don’t think I disappointed him. He was sure no disappointment to me. I remember spending Christmas with him. It was the 1st Christmas I have enjoyed since the piglets were small children. I remember how he used to smack me on the behind being playful. Mostly I remember when he came to my house, it was all I could do to contain myself till he got in the door. I wanted to run and jump up and wrap my arms around his neck and put my legs around him like a kid. There is just no way that kind of love comes around twice in a life time.
Happy July 2nd! I hope I get many more kisses and many more happy memories from him.

Monday, July 01, 2013

I'm Healthy

It's been months since I gave platelets. I used to give them once a month then my shoulder starting hurting. I took Advil to relieve the pain but when you take Advil or Aspirin you can't give platelets. I must be one of the few people left in the world who hasn't had sex with a prostitute or spent time in jail. Those are just a couple of items on the list of questions that they ask me so I'm cleared for the needle. LifeSouth has been calling me nearly every week begging for me to come give platelets again. They say my platelet count is really high, which is a good thing. It takes about 2 hours to do, so since I was off of work, I grabbed a movie and to the hospital I went. I made a point of doing something for someone else. My blood pressure was good and my iron counts was outstanding, it was 14. I got the results of my cholesterol count today and it looks good too, it was 182. It feels good to do things for others. I wish I could do more. Do something for someone today. It will make you feel good.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Wish You Were There

A friend of the Dancing Queen is getting married. I think I will call her The Fire Cracker. She lives about 7 hours away. I have had the privilege of getting to know her and even holding her hair back while she puked from drinking too much. We wanted to give her a bachelorette party but because of the 7 hour drive between us, it was just not doable. I came up with the idea of a Flat Fire Cracker party. We blew up a picture of her face, pasted it to a cardboard and attached a paint stick to the end as a handle. Then I sewed a veil, complete with a head Tierra! Ha, it looked really cute. We invited the Bodyguard but he couldn't be there. We had so much fun toting her around and having her picture made in all the places she had been when she visited. I think she will be so surprised when she gets the pictures and the actual Flat Fire Cracker as a wedding gift. She has no idea we did this. When I got home I played with my newest inheritance Ace. I couldn't help but think of the bodyguards baby. Friday was a good day. I'm happier than I've been in months. I hope the bodyguard continues to communicate with me, he makes me Happy, Happy, Happy!!!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Something is not right

I started today to write about how happy I am. I am happy. Happier than I've been in months. The bodyguard has opened a line of communication with me. When I see his name pop up on my phone I can't stop grinning. He was even going to come to my house to watch a movie tomorrow (tonight as I write this) but he text and said there was something going on with his parents.  I asked if someone was sick and he said no. For a few minutes I feared he had a change of heart but then my gut feeling kicked in and I know he didn't have a change of heart. I remember something he told me once and now I'm worried about what might be going on. I hope and pray for good news tomorrow. And I want to thank God for answering my prayers, now I ask God to watch over his family.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Texting Sucks!!!

What this world needs is a lot less texting and a lot more verbal communication. I sent a text to The Bodyguard the other day. Of course if he accepted my phone calls I would have called. I think he took what I said in my text way out of context. I meant it as a caring text and based on what he posted, I don’t think he read it the same way I meant it. I said I hope you find what you are looking for, I wish it were me. I think he may have thought the “I hope you find what you are looking for” as snippy, when in fact it was a genuine wish for him. Of course the latter part about wishing it were me was genuine too. Yesterday was a really bad day for me. One day at a time. I will get better.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

My Soul

I opened up my soul to you. I misjudged you. I truly thought and believed you would be in my life forever. You saw me  naked J...... Now I have to get past those feelings. I can do it Monday - Friday 8 - 5, after that...My mind wonders to you. If there was a pill I could take to get me past this I would take it.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

I Guess I'm a Fool

The Bodyguard is still not talking to me. I sent him a sweet message, referencing something he had said to someone else. He didn't respond and I really didn't think he would. I'm not going to hide my feelings for him. I do have to accept the fact that he will move on and forget me. That is the hard part. I really thought we would be together forever. I knew there would be troubles, all relationships have troubles but I didn't think he would just shut down completely. On a good note, 1 day has gone by and I didn't cry. If I can make it through today that will be 48 hours.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

These Eyes

Sometimes I think to much.  Sometimes I think to little. Sometimes I don't think at all, but I always think of you J...... I want to take care of you but you won't let me. These eyes are crying for you. Let me love you.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Ups and Downs

There is so much going on these days with not just me but my children and friends. After 68 days I finally got to see the bodyguard. It wasn’t a date, just a gathering with some mutual friends. It felt so good just to be in his presence. I think our patio parties are going to be a good thing for all of us. There is one person that I don’t care for in our group. I don’t like negativity and I damn sure don’t like anyone who puts down someone I love so dearly. I surprised myself with my response to her. I usually can ignore most anything but she caught me off guard. She said something very ugly about someone I love with all my heart and I told her to get out of my face. That is pretty harsh coming from my mouth. She later told the dancing queen that she thought she pissed me off and she did.

I think I’m finally starting to get back to my old self. The one thing I have to work on is being alone. I’m spending way too much time out when I should be home working on my house. I looked at my bed this morning and it’s pathetic. I would take a picture and post it but it’s too embarrassing. I have a king size bed and because it seems so empty now, I have resorted to piling pillows up and unfolded laundry on one side of the bed. When I go to sleep, I find myself rolling over against the pillows. If those pillows grow arms I’m going to freak. Ha! I really have to clean off that bed.

Queenie has found her wedding gown and I bought it for her. It breaks my heart that her father, who should be buying her gown and certainly is financially capable, didn’t do this. Queenie will be moving back to Huntsville in the next month and moving in with me, while The Officer is in Officer training school. I will be happy to have her back in my house for 4 months. It will be an adjustment but one well worth making.

G. I. Joe graduated from High school last month and so far, he has excelled at doing NOTHING! This is really getting on my nerves. I’m giving him 1 month to “relax” and then I’m going into full Mama Mode. Get a job, go to college. I have probably babied him too much, but he was my baby. It’s hard letting go but I know that I have to make him grow up and learn to do things on his own…like his laundry.

My Soul Sister got married. I’m very happy for her. I wish them the best. It does present some problems with me though. New Hubby doesn’t drink very often and Soul Sister and I like to have wine and talk over the world’s problems. I find it upsetting that she keeps wine in my refrigerator and a toothbrush at my house. Bonefish is not the same without her.

I received a notification from American Airline that our flight time has changed by a few minutes. The tickets are in my name and the bodyguard. He has already said that he doesn’t want to go and I can’t change names on the ticket. I had asked that if he really doesn’t want to go, to cancel his flight and pay the $150.00 and use it for something else. I don’t want to bring it up to him but I guess I will have to, because I need to make sure he doesn’t cancel using the ticket number because it’s under both our names. Now, I am stuck trying to find someone who can pay their own airfare, or I will have to pay it for them. I will probably ask the dancing queen to go with me. I really wish the bodyguard would go but I can’t make him.

Friday, June 07, 2013

Tonight

I so wanted you to kiss me tonight J...... I certainly wanted to kiss you. Actually as I write this I realize the date has passed. It was the 1st Friday Patio Party. I don't want to push you or make you uncomfortable. My love for you is so deep. I hope you wear that bracelet that I had especially made for you. Everything seemed so normal for me. You even seemed to be OK being around me. Of course, I followed you around like a puppy. I hope I wasn't over bearing.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Dear Jxxxxx

It’s been 2 months since I last saw you and you are still the 1st person I think of when I wake and the last person I think of when I close my eyes to sleep. I have already told you how sorry I was for not coming to you with my insecurities. Instead I wrote about something that didn’t scare me. I know it sounded to you like I was hung up on another man but that was not the case at all. I was hung up on you. Writing those things were my way of reminding me that if you walked away that I could always go back to just having a lover. You living with your parents was really hard for me. I wanted to spend more time with you and couldn’t. Your job required that you get in bed at a decent hour. Had you been living on your own, I could have visited you during the week and I could have made the 20 minute drive home. I asked you twice to fix it with your Mother so I could visit you and twice you said you would but you hadn’t done it. That was important to me and I felt like you didn’t do it because you didn’t want me there. I wanted you to spend the night with me more than just Saturday nights and you said you had to go home and take care of the dogs, yet you could go live with some girl in Cullman and make a trip everyday to your parents to take care of your dog. I know you had since gotten a puppy and I told you that you could bring him to my house. I do believe that if you had not been hurt by other women that you would have talked to me and asked me what was going through my head when I wrote that stuff. I feel like I am being punished for what other women did to you. As far as what you saw about a lover, you totally got that all wrong. It had nothing to do with your performance. It had to do with me trying to let myself enjoy sex with someone who loved me and that I loved. I have a dark side of me that you know nothing of. I feel so foolish now. I really thought that you would be mad at me for a couple of weeks then we would talk and be back to where we were. Instead you shut down. I don’t understand that. I did nothing but love you. I adored you and was devoted to you. I have never been more connected to anyone in my life. I know that sounds cliché but it’s true. I feel like I am in mourning. Everyone keeps telling me to move on. I don’t want to move on. I want my best friend back. I pray that your heart heals soon.
All my love.
C.

Friday, April 05, 2013

Please Forgive Me.

I am truly sorry I hurt you. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. The things I wrote were me lashing out because I was afraid. I should have talked to you about all these things but was afraid of what your answer might be. It's you I want but was afraid of so many things. I was afraid you would leave me for that woman that you left me once before for. I know how badly you want to have a relationship with your son. I was afraid you liked me because of my children. I want you to stay over during the week but you can't. It's been 11 years since I've been in a committed relationship. Can't you see how scared I must be? But the very thought of not having you in my life as my boyfriend absolutely makes me sick to my stomach. About a week or 2 ago, I decided that it was going to work between us, before then I had doubts. I would marry you today if you asked me to. I'm so sorry you saw those words. I hope you believe me when I say that I have nothing in my heart for anyone but you. When I think of you, I think of a poem by EE Cummins.

I Carry Your Heart With Me.

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet ) I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Sincerity

Dear Queenie,

I had a wonderful time shopping for Wedding Gowns with you last weekend. You are absolutely stunning in everything that you put on. I so wish I could do more for you financially. The last dress you put on brought tears to my eyes. You looked like a bride. I know that you liked it but it was out of yours and my price range. It broke my heart that I could not get it for you and it wasn’t outrageously priced, it was just over my budget. You don’t know this but I’m going to buy your dress for you. You say that you really like the Sincerity gown better and I hope that is true because that is what I’m buying for you. After you changed back into your clothes, you hugged me and said you didn’t know what was wrong with me but everything would be OK. I couldn’t tell you that I was bothered because I couldn’t afford that dress. I can’t afford the Sincerity dress either but I will make it happen some way. You have grown to be a beautiful woman. You will be stunning in whatever you wear.

Love You Alway,
Shmom