Monday, November 12, 2012

Hurtful Words

About a year and a half ago, I wrote a blog about missing my friend. Today I’m writing about the same thing. I miss my friend but the friend I miss is someone different and I miss him for different reasons. I don’t believe anyone I know reads these anymore, so I will not give him an alias. Johnny, I’m so sorry for what I did. I am such a coward. I sabotaged our relationship for fear of getting hurt or hurting you. I think our relationship was probably the healthiest and most normal relationship that I have ever been in and I just didn’t know how to handle a healthy relationship. I was afraid of having sex with you. You never asked me to but I knew that eventually you would. Because I felt an emotional bond with you, I thought sex would spoil it. I hate myself for being such a coward and I am just that. I should have asked you about that “Saturday Night Song”, it truly did sting when I saw it on your wall. Because you had dropped me a year ago for someone else, I truly thought that was to get someone’s attention and not mine. I’m saying it now for all to hear. I am screwed up. I do miss you Johnny. I wish there was a pill I could take to make me braver, because I would take it. I miss your kisses and when we sat together with your arm around my shoulder, it was a good fit. I can’t forgive myself. The hurtful words are for me. I’m a coward. I should have told you to slow down, instead I ran. I am a coward.

1 comment:

Rhapsody B. said...

forgive yourself your humanness. Perhaps Johnny put on your journey path to bring the lessons you were required to learn. Sometimes the people who touches us the deepest is only temporary but the lessons and the experience is permanent.

Forgive yourself, keep the lessons and carry on.