Monday, November 12, 2012

Hurtful Words

About a year and a half ago, I wrote a blog about missing my friend. Today I’m writing about the same thing. I miss my friend but the friend I miss is someone different and I miss him for different reasons. I don’t believe anyone I know reads these anymore, so I will not give him an alias. Johnny, I’m so sorry for what I did. I am such a coward. I sabotaged our relationship for fear of getting hurt or hurting you. I think our relationship was probably the healthiest and most normal relationship that I have ever been in and I just didn’t know how to handle a healthy relationship. I was afraid of having sex with you. You never asked me to but I knew that eventually you would. Because I felt an emotional bond with you, I thought sex would spoil it. I hate myself for being such a coward and I am just that. I should have asked you about that “Saturday Night Song”, it truly did sting when I saw it on your wall. Because you had dropped me a year ago for someone else, I truly thought that was to get someone’s attention and not mine. I’m saying it now for all to hear. I am screwed up. I do miss you Johnny. I wish there was a pill I could take to make me braver, because I would take it. I miss your kisses and when we sat together with your arm around my shoulder, it was a good fit. I can’t forgive myself. The hurtful words are for me. I’m a coward. I should have told you to slow down, instead I ran. I am a coward.