Wednesday, September 21, 2011

For Trade

For Trade – 1 Strapping, Evil, Fat Long Living Beautiful Black and White Cat (or some facsimile of a cat). I’m fairly sure she has only used up 2 of her 9 lives. She goes by the name of Ruby Sue or sometimes I like to use more fitting names like Bitch! Or Damn it! She recognizes all the names and responds to them all in the same way. If called by any of those names she will do nothing at all. I will trade her for any or all of the following. A running chainsaw, DeWALT cordless drill, a boyfriend, ceiling fan (installed), Electrolux vacuum, in ground swimming pool or remodeled kitchen. With this trade I will also provide extra kitty litter because she poops a lot. The lucky person who trades for this cat will no longer need an alarm clock nor will you need a gun. She will stand outside your bedroom door waiting for you to come out to feed her. If you do not wake in time she will start caterwauling until you wake. If anyone try’s to enter your premises she will pounce on them like a possessed ninja and will not back down.

If you have small children or other animals that you love, this cat is not for you. You must bring your own transportation, I will give her some good drugs before you arrive and I will help you put her in a secure locking box (I will provide this).

References to everything I have described are available upon request.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Big and Famous Organization

Today I received an email from a man with his resume attached. I have no idea why he sent it to me; I guess my title of Professional Broom Rider sounded important. First let me say that we are not looking to hire anyone, so don’t start sending me resumes, unless you want to send them for my entertainment. This gentleman who sent me the resume is not American and as I glanced over it, I had to wonder if maybe it was a language barrier that caused him to word his resume as he did. I work on a daily basis with people from all over the world and usually they spell things incorrectly but do a good job of communicating in a professional manner. I don’t think it was a language barrier. His objective is to work in a big and famous organization. That one sentence got me. He obviously sent this resume to the wrong place. It was like reading “When I grow up I want to be a Princess and rule all the lands” (yea, I have been watching too much Game of Thrones). Under his education he received a grade of good in the accounting department of Cairo and then finally received a grade of very good in the auditing department of Cairo. I’m sure this is a real grade; it just seemed strange to see this kind of grading system. The last time I saw these types of grades were when Mitchell was in Kindergarten. Under computer skills he has excellent knowledge of Internet explorer. I thought about contacting him and asking him how to get IE9 off of my computer that I accidentally downloaded but then read more and saw that his native language is Arabic. It puts me in a bad mood when I have to call a help desk and can’t understand what they are saying, so I guess I’m stuck with IE9. Then I get to the experience section, and it’s gets a little sketchy. He has experience with altering companies with all sorts of legal laws. As opposed to all sorts of illegal laws, I guess. He reviewed all accounting records and tax and financial statements in accordance with “Egyptian” auditing standards. That makes me wonder what “Egyptian” auditing standards are. He dealt with and controlled all incoming and outgoing messages. So, he must have had caller ID so he could control the incoming calls and decided who got through and who didn’t. His nationality is Egyptian; he is single and exempt from the Military. You all must know who this man is by now. It’s so obvious. It’s Peggy from the Discover Card commercial.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Kasi and Mark July 15, 2011

Today Kasi Patterson and Mark Payne are getting married. When I introduced them a few years ago it wasn’t a fix up, it was just me and Kasi going out and we ran into Mark, or maybe we were supposed to be meeting him and Jan. I remember saying Kasi, this is my friend Mark and Mark said hi, can I buy you a drink and said a few more things that I will leave out of here. I remember when Mark bought Kasi Victoria’s secret for Christmas and she was a little freaked out about his gift but thoroughly enjoyed the new lingerie. Shortly thereafter I remember Kasi giving me a list of all the reasons that she couldn’t be with Mark because he just wasn’t her type. I remember me and her brother telling her that you can’t fight love. Love doesn’t care about all that stuff and I remember when she finally gave in and quit fighting what she felt and when she did, things were different, they became a couple. The two of you are so lucky to have found each other. I pray that God continues to bless the two of you. I love you both very much and feel blessed to have you in my life.

Monday, July 04, 2011

All I Want Is You

About 9 years ago I fell in love with a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. The song by U2 - All I want is you was the song this man so long ago said reminded him of me, he said all he could think about was me when he heard this song. I haven't thought about him in a very long time. Saturday I went to Nashville with 4 girls and when they picked me up there was someone else with them. A man I had met Wednesday night, he was a friend of one of the girls. Our very own personal bodyguard was driving us. I had no idea he would be going to Nashville with us. U2 was playing in Nashville Saturday night. We didn't see them in concert but knowing they were there flooded my memory with my past. There may have been some chemistry between me and the bodyguard, or maybe it was just the alcohol. Today the bodyguard shared a link to the song that touched my heart so long ago. I never spoke of U2 to anyone. Maybe this song was my six degrees of separation to finding a new friend?

Friday, April 08, 2011

I Miss My Friend

If you have read any of my earlier posts you will remember some posts about Mr. Shark. Trickster introduced us in the fall of 2006. Although it didn’t work out for us in a relationship, he has been one of my closest friends. He was one of the best “Guy” Girlfriends I could ask for. He is a real manly man and good at talking, maybe a little too good in the talking department. He could talk for hours, I didn’t mind because to be honest he has this unique voice that you just want to hear. Sometime in 2007 he started dating someone and he didn’t come around too much, then we ran into each other at the local Hockey “get your drink on” spot and we started talking again. He has had many girlfriends since our meeting at the Hockey spot but this time he kept in touch with me. He is the one I have to thank for saving me from a long lonely night Christmas of 2009. That was one of the hardest Christmas’s I have gone through in a while. GI Joe was with his father and Queenie was living with Mr. Low Life. The holidays already get me down and being alone just adds to my misery. So there I sat Christmas night in 2009 mascara smeared, nose red and hair a mess from burying my head in a pillow and crying. Someone is knocking on my door at 9:00pm. I can’t imagine this could be anything but bad news. Who comes knocking on my door Christmas night at 9:00pm? It was Mr. Shark. He said he was alone and didn’t want to be. He was hungry and wanted to know if I wanted to go get something to eat with him. I was so happy to see him, I know now that when I was having that pity party with my pillow that God was watching over me and sent an Angel to my rescue. I told him to give me a few minutes to re-apply my make-up and brush my hair. So, off we went in search of something open on Christmas night. We walked into Ruby Tuesday’s only to be greeted with “Sorry we are closing” and who could be upset with that? It’s Christmas night for goodness sakes; everyone should be with family and/or friends. We drove around for a little longer and ended up on South Parkway at Third Base. Who would have thought there would be so many people there? It makes sense though, what goes better together than beer and tears. All of us lonely saps gathered with our own kind that night. We had a really good time hanging out with the other lonely saps. After dinner and a couple of beers Mr. Shark took me home and bid me good night. Thank you God for that Angel on Christmas night. Since then we started talking even more. I would tell him about my problems with men and he would tell me about his problems with women. In 2010 we were as thick as thieves. I really enjoyed that I had a male friend who I could call for help with stuff around the house and also have conversation with. He was the perfect man except he didn’t believe in himself. Sometime in the fall of 2010 he met a woman that he had gone to High School with and from the day her met her it was an on again off again relationship. He called me on Saturday March 5th and told me he was torn about the woman he had been seeing. They had broken up again and he had gone out with another woman. The old girlfriend got wind of this new girl and now she wanted to get back together. The old girlfriend had cheated on Mr. Shark and Mr. Shark confided that he wasn’t entirely over the woman that he had lived with from 2007 – 2009. He told me he was in complete turmoil. I told him not to get in a hurry that things would work themselves out. He also told me that the new woman in his life was jealous of me. I told him that we should meet and then she would see that I was no threat to her. He told me he admired my independence and wished he could be more like me. Then he asked me the strangest question. He asked if I was happy. I lied and told him yes. The reason I did this was because I suspected he wanted to have more than just a friendly relationship with me. I had tried to have a relationship with him before and it didn’t work. As close as we were as friends we had different goals in life and I know from experience that we would be fighting before long. The next Tuesday he posted something on facebook about “Can’t wait till Friday”. I commented and asked if he was going to Daytona Bike Week and he commented back and said it was something crazier than that. We chatted later in the week but he wouldn’t tell me what it was that he was going to do on Friday. On Thursday he posted that he couldn’t wait and didn’t, and attached a picture of his marriage certificate. Mr. Shark got married. I was blown away that on Sunday he was telling me that he wasn’t over the woman he had lived with for 2 years, he had just broken up with the woman he met in the fall of 2010 who had cheated on him and he wondered if he made a mistake by not giving us a chance. He married the woman he met in the fall of 2010, the woman who is threatened by me. I no longer call of text him and he doesn’t call or text me. I don’t want to cause trouble for him and his new bride and I suspect I would considering she feels threatened by me. I miss my friend.