Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Types of Sex as Defined By the Cake Lady

Carnival Sex – This is the most desired type of sex (by me) and also the hardest to find. Persons having Carnival Sex may think they are at the Carnival. They could experience the Roller Coaster, Bumper Cars, Cotton Candy, The House of Mirrors and Water Rides. Some even like the swings (not me).

Merry Go Round Sex – This type of sex can be enjoyed by yourself or another person. As with the Merry Go Round, you can ride this by yourself or you may have a partner join you. It gets your heart rate up but you don’t experience all the thrills that you do with Carnival Sex but it is still enjoyable.

Styrofoam Sex – This is the most undesirable type of sex for me. This is also sometimes referred to as a Booty Call. This type of sex is very much like a Styrofoam Cup. Use it then throw it away. Wham Bam Thank You Maam! No Thanks!

Friday, October 15, 2010

My Good Deed For The Day

This is the first call I received at work this morning.

Good Morning, may I help you?
Is this the Police Department?

No, you have the wrong number.
Do you know the number to the police department?

Yes, It’s 911.
Can you help me?

Ma’am, you have the wrong number.
I called 705-****, isn’t that the police department number?

No Ma’am this is a business.
What am I supposed to do?

Ma’am, are you in danger?
My neighbor is playing his music too loud. I can’t hear my show... I axed him to stop and he turned it up louder. Somebody needs to whoop his scrawny ass.

Are you in Alabama?
Yes, I am.

I think maybe you called the wrong area code, you called area code 256
Do you know what number I should be calling?

The area code is probably 205 or 334
Which one should I call?

Where do you live?
I lives in Opelika

Hang on, let me Google this for you.
Thank you honey, I’m going to miss my show.

I believe the number you are looking for is 334-705-****
Can you transfer me?

No Ma’am, I can’t do that.
Well let me try to call them.

Good Luck!

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Toilet is Fixed!!!!

I am making progress! Usually when I try to fix something, I either tear up more than I fix or it takes me hours sometimes weeks longer to accomplish my task. Last night it only took me about 1 hour to fix the flush thing on my toilet. It should have taken me 5 minutes. I took the lid off the back of the toilet and saw that the arm that lifted the flapper was broken. It looked like a task that I could accomplish without tears or cursing, so off I went to buy a new arm. I went to Wally World and found exactly what I needed. I knew when I walked in the store, found what I wanted, exactly what I wanted that this was too easy. I should have seen it coming. When I tried to unscrew the back of it, the screw was on so tight, I broke the arm…tears have arrived and small curse words are building in my head. I went back to Wally World and bought a new lifter arm and this time I also bought a pair of slip joint pliers. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t already own this type of pliers. I had needle nose pliers, wire cutter pliers, and way too many of what I think is called adjustable wrenches. What I needed were some slip joint pliers. What I wanted were some vice grip pliers! I settled on the slip joint pliers and whined all the way out the store because I wanted those vice grips but I couldn’t justify spending $2.37 on the lift arm and spending $20.00 on the pliers that had a spring when the $5.00 slip joint would work just fine. I went back home, opened the lift arm from the package and the back came off effortlessly. I didn’t even have to use the pliers. I’m keeping the pliers and putting vice grips on my wish list. I’m sure I’m the only woman with a wish list that contains a pair of vice grips. The toilet flushes perfectly now.