Thursday, September 20, 2007

I Love Being Blonde

I love being blonde. Do you realize just how much we can get away with? I have listed just a few things that we can do and no one would question.

We can watch our favorite SEC team go into overtime and AU scores and makes the score 23 – 20. We scream with delight and walk away from the TV because we think our team has won. We walk around all night with a big grin on our face until another AU friend asks “What are you so happy about”. We….OK I think you all know by now that it was me that did this. I reply because AU won in overtime. My friend looks at me with this truly puzzled look on his face and says “No they didn’t”. I say “Yes they did, I saw it”. Someone behind me taps me on the shoulder and says “NO – South Florida scored”. I almost cried. My friend realized that I was not playing and I really thought they won. He gave me a hug, oh well the hug was nice.

Last weekend I did not get to see the Auburn vs. Mississippi State game because I was busy all weekend studying for my 7th grade science test and GI Joe helped me. I called Queenie and asked her who won the game. She said 14 – 19 Auburn. I think if anyone heard this reply they would think Auburn won. So, I proceed to boost to a HUGE Auburn hater that they won. He of course tells me I’m nuts. I didn’t trust this guy, so I looked it up on line and sure as shit they lost. By the way Queenie is blonde too.

I have a bad habit of getting the days and weeks confused. I get a lot of things confused. I might be dyslexic. Let’s see.

We had a luncheon at work and I was supposed to bring sausage balls and I brought them but brought them a week early.

I went to a baby shower once, got there rang the bell. The mother to be came to the door in sweat pants and a paint stained t-shirt. She was carrying twins so I didn’t want to say anything to hurt her feelings. She stood at the door just looking at me. Finally I said “where is every one”? She said uhhhh Cake Lady the shower is not till next week.

I was paying bills once and wrote out a check to the phone company for the balance in my check book.

I brought cup cakes to GI Joe’s school for a Valentines Day party the day after the party. The kids just love me. The teacher was not so happy with me though.

When Queenie was just a wee baby her pediatrician told me that I could give her a little apple juice along with her formula. So I did. I mixed the apple juice and the milk together and fed her. She cried and cried and her stomach was so upset. This routine went on for about a month. Then while visiting my mother, she saw me mixing the formula and the apple juice together and asked what I was doing. I told her what the doctor said and Mom said NO honey – he meant to give her some apple juice and some formula but not together. I didn’t believe it so I called the Doctor and he said and I quote. “You have done anything that will kill her but don’t do it again”.

My favorite thing that I did would have to be the time that I went to a very important meeting and arrived late. I being late was not my fault but what I did when I got there was purely blonde. My primary customer called a meeting with all of their suppliers, sent invitations, had name tags made up, had the event catered for lunch and generally just made a big production of the event. I was supposed to go with my boss but at the last minute he was not able to go so he asked me to go alone. I asked him what this meeting was about and who would be there. He said it would just be the normal people that we see on a weekly basis. I was accustomed to visiting this customer and knew everyone well. I asked my boss why the big production if it were just those people and he said that they were just bringing in all the suppliers at one time. I asked him what time I needed to be there and he said just go around 10:00. I got there and was escorted upstairs and got my name tag. When I opened the door to where the meeting was already in progress, everyone turned to look at the later arriver. There must have been 500 people seated listening to the speaker. I tried to act like I knew what I was doing. I walked in scanned the 500 attendees, did not see a vacant seat so I chose the seat closest to me. All I wanted to do was escape the stares. There was a long table to the side of the 500 people and there were a couple of chairs that were open and it was very close to the door, so I sat down. I noticed that everyone continued to stare at me or at least they seemed to be staring at me. After a few minutes the speaker at the meeting, VP of the company finished his speech and started walking towards me. My heart started pounding harder and harder. Why was he walking towards me? He stopped when he got to me, shook my hand and introduced himself to me. He asked if I minded if he got another chair and sat beside me, I said sure of course. I’m thinking to myself, why does he want to sit beside me? During a break he introduced me to everyone at the table. That would be every top dog of the company. I had chosen to sit at the VP table and chose to take his seat. When I realized what I had done, I turned beat red and he laughed. I said I was sorry and would find another seat. He would not hear of it. What a nice man he turned out to be. Then it all clicked as to why everyone was staring at me. They were wondering who the newest big wig was. That was probably my favorite blonde moment.

My stupidest blonde moment would be this:
About a year ago I was invited to a surprise birthday party for Jewels. I was so tired of going to parties alone so I decided to take matters into my own hands and find someone to go with me. I remembered that I had a neighbor who was about my age and was single, so I mustered up the courage and asked him. He seemed delighted that I had asked, said all the right things and I just knew that I was going to have a really good time with him. I worried all week long about what would happen after he brought me home. Would he kiss me? If he did and there was chemistry would he ask me out another time? If it didn’t work, he’s my neighbor and well, that would be awkward. Did I mention that my middle name is worry? The night of the party the neighbor arrives at my house everything is going well till he asks me what time did I want to leave the party. I told him that I had not given it any thought and figured we would just hang out till we got tired of it and then he tells me that he likes to be home by 11:30. I said OK. I will not bore you with all the details but it just went south from that point. He brought me home on a Saturday night at 9:30 barely stopped the car long enough for me to get out. He didn’t even wait to see if I got in the house safely. I was just pissed; all week long I had worried for nothing. This night was supposed to be about me. No way was I going to sit at home by myself on a Saturday night. I called Aunt J and asked her if she was out and about. She said she was and to come join her. I called a taxi because I already knew that I was going to be doing some drinking. I get to the watering hole and meet Aunt J for cocktails and more cocktails. I am still upset that this evening was not about me. Damn it! It was supposed to be all about the Cake Lady! In walks an old friend who I met right after I got divorced. There has always been chemistry between us but we never acted on it because I was looking for something meaningful and he was not looking for that type of relationship. He sits down beside me, orders his drink orders me another one. We get our drinks we do a little cheer and take a drink. I looked him dead in the eye and asked him if he had any condoms. He spit his drink out and said yes, he did. I said “Good”. I want you to take me home and fuck my lights out. Talk about the Dear in the headlights look, he had it. He asked if I was serious and I said yes. He asked for the tab, and said he would go get the car and for me to meet him outside in 10 minutes. I said OK. He left and some other people that I know came up and starting talking to me and I proceeded to laugh and have a good time. I forgot all about asking the man to take me home and FMLO. I went home by myself, woke up the next morning and about the second stretch I remembered what I had done. I could not believe I had done that. I didn’t have his number with me, it was at the office. Monday as soon as I got to work, I called him and when he answered I told him who it was calling him and he did a little laugh. I told him the truth, that I had just got side tracked and forgot about him. All he said is “That is so Cake Lady”. We both laughed and to this day we are still friends. We still have not slept together. I doubt he would say yes a second time. That would have to be my blondest moment.


Chuck said...

Good lord, I've just got to meet you at some point. You're freakin' hilarious!!

So why did the neighbor change so suddenly? Like to hear more of that story. Also, I feel sorry for the poor guy you asked to FYLO. I can just imagine his excitement while he waited for you to come out. And he paid the tab? You should have met up with him during the next week and blown him at least! lol

Sugardaddy said...

Too good!! We love you being blonde also. Note to self: do not leave Cake Lady's side once you have struck the bargain.

Cake Lady said...

Chuck - I don't think the neighbor changed so suddenly, I just got to know him a little better. FMLO always pays my tab. He's just nice like that.

Sugardaddy - I told a couple of my friends what I did and they said the same thing. Never leave a lady alone to go get a car, take her with you :-)

sue said...

Oh, hell YES I love this post! I have to link ya... I'm so glad you came by my place so I could find you! This is too good. I laughed out loud at your mad check-writing skills!

Too funny!

Southern Sweetheart said...

I have just laughed my ass off!! You are a riot lady!! A riot!!! And I'm a brunette but I've done one or two of those things too!! :) We must be lost twins! :)

Hope you have a great week!

BO Snagley said...

I am having a grey moment
but it is not nearly as fun