Friday, September 28, 2007

Condom News!

While visiting my favorite watering hole the other day, a friend of mine was telling the story about how his father made him and his brother learn to put on a condom in the dark. His father gave them each a hammer and told them to put the metal part of the hammer between their legs and to put the condom on the handle part of the hammer while the lights were out. I thought this to be hysterically funny and never considered what a task it must be for a man. That's when I had the epiphany. Why don't the condom people make condom wrappers that glow in the dark? It should be industry standard. Now, don't go getting any idea's about contacting the condom makers because yours truly has already made contact. I had a couple of other ideas for them too. I will keep you posted about what they say.

In other condom news...The German engineers that brought us the BMW, the Audi and the Porsche will also bring us the first spray on condom. Yes, you heard me correctly. Spray on condoms. The spray on condom should be available in 2008. The way it works is that the man is to stick his penis into this canister and then it's sprayed all over with latex (much like a car wash), no more one size fits all. This will insure a snug fit with more sensitivity...or so they say. The cost will be about $27.00 and can be used about 20 times. I personally can't wait to see this in action. What a grand idea!!! The only problem that I foresee is how will it fit into their pockets or wallets? I hope those folks that designed the BMW, Audi and Porsche are redesigning these cars with some handy little compartment for the Spray On Condom canister.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I Love Being Blonde

I love being blonde. Do you realize just how much we can get away with? I have listed just a few things that we can do and no one would question.

We can watch our favorite SEC team go into overtime and AU scores and makes the score 23 – 20. We scream with delight and walk away from the TV because we think our team has won. We walk around all night with a big grin on our face until another AU friend asks “What are you so happy about”. We….OK I think you all know by now that it was me that did this. I reply because AU won in overtime. My friend looks at me with this truly puzzled look on his face and says “No they didn’t”. I say “Yes they did, I saw it”. Someone behind me taps me on the shoulder and says “NO – South Florida scored”. I almost cried. My friend realized that I was not playing and I really thought they won. He gave me a hug, oh well the hug was nice.

Last weekend I did not get to see the Auburn vs. Mississippi State game because I was busy all weekend studying for my 7th grade science test and GI Joe helped me. I called Queenie and asked her who won the game. She said 14 – 19 Auburn. I think if anyone heard this reply they would think Auburn won. So, I proceed to boost to a HUGE Auburn hater that they won. He of course tells me I’m nuts. I didn’t trust this guy, so I looked it up on line and sure as shit they lost. By the way Queenie is blonde too.

I have a bad habit of getting the days and weeks confused. I get a lot of things confused. I might be dyslexic. Let’s see.

We had a luncheon at work and I was supposed to bring sausage balls and I brought them but brought them a week early.

I went to a baby shower once, got there rang the bell. The mother to be came to the door in sweat pants and a paint stained t-shirt. She was carrying twins so I didn’t want to say anything to hurt her feelings. She stood at the door just looking at me. Finally I said “where is every one”? She said uhhhh Cake Lady the shower is not till next week.

I was paying bills once and wrote out a check to the phone company for the balance in my check book.

I brought cup cakes to GI Joe’s school for a Valentines Day party the day after the party. The kids just love me. The teacher was not so happy with me though.

When Queenie was just a wee baby her pediatrician told me that I could give her a little apple juice along with her formula. So I did. I mixed the apple juice and the milk together and fed her. She cried and cried and her stomach was so upset. This routine went on for about a month. Then while visiting my mother, she saw me mixing the formula and the apple juice together and asked what I was doing. I told her what the doctor said and Mom said NO honey – he meant to give her some apple juice and some formula but not together. I didn’t believe it so I called the Doctor and he said and I quote. “You have done anything that will kill her but don’t do it again”.

My favorite thing that I did would have to be the time that I went to a very important meeting and arrived late. I being late was not my fault but what I did when I got there was purely blonde. My primary customer called a meeting with all of their suppliers, sent invitations, had name tags made up, had the event catered for lunch and generally just made a big production of the event. I was supposed to go with my boss but at the last minute he was not able to go so he asked me to go alone. I asked him what this meeting was about and who would be there. He said it would just be the normal people that we see on a weekly basis. I was accustomed to visiting this customer and knew everyone well. I asked my boss why the big production if it were just those people and he said that they were just bringing in all the suppliers at one time. I asked him what time I needed to be there and he said just go around 10:00. I got there and was escorted upstairs and got my name tag. When I opened the door to where the meeting was already in progress, everyone turned to look at the later arriver. There must have been 500 people seated listening to the speaker. I tried to act like I knew what I was doing. I walked in scanned the 500 attendees, did not see a vacant seat so I chose the seat closest to me. All I wanted to do was escape the stares. There was a long table to the side of the 500 people and there were a couple of chairs that were open and it was very close to the door, so I sat down. I noticed that everyone continued to stare at me or at least they seemed to be staring at me. After a few minutes the speaker at the meeting, VP of the company finished his speech and started walking towards me. My heart started pounding harder and harder. Why was he walking towards me? He stopped when he got to me, shook my hand and introduced himself to me. He asked if I minded if he got another chair and sat beside me, I said sure of course. I’m thinking to myself, why does he want to sit beside me? During a break he introduced me to everyone at the table. That would be every top dog of the company. I had chosen to sit at the VP table and chose to take his seat. When I realized what I had done, I turned beat red and he laughed. I said I was sorry and would find another seat. He would not hear of it. What a nice man he turned out to be. Then it all clicked as to why everyone was staring at me. They were wondering who the newest big wig was. That was probably my favorite blonde moment.

My stupidest blonde moment would be this:
About a year ago I was invited to a surprise birthday party for Jewels. I was so tired of going to parties alone so I decided to take matters into my own hands and find someone to go with me. I remembered that I had a neighbor who was about my age and was single, so I mustered up the courage and asked him. He seemed delighted that I had asked, said all the right things and I just knew that I was going to have a really good time with him. I worried all week long about what would happen after he brought me home. Would he kiss me? If he did and there was chemistry would he ask me out another time? If it didn’t work, he’s my neighbor and well, that would be awkward. Did I mention that my middle name is worry? The night of the party the neighbor arrives at my house everything is going well till he asks me what time did I want to leave the party. I told him that I had not given it any thought and figured we would just hang out till we got tired of it and then he tells me that he likes to be home by 11:30. I said OK. I will not bore you with all the details but it just went south from that point. He brought me home on a Saturday night at 9:30 barely stopped the car long enough for me to get out. He didn’t even wait to see if I got in the house safely. I was just pissed; all week long I had worried for nothing. This night was supposed to be about me. No way was I going to sit at home by myself on a Saturday night. I called Aunt J and asked her if she was out and about. She said she was and to come join her. I called a taxi because I already knew that I was going to be doing some drinking. I get to the watering hole and meet Aunt J for cocktails and more cocktails. I am still upset that this evening was not about me. Damn it! It was supposed to be all about the Cake Lady! In walks an old friend who I met right after I got divorced. There has always been chemistry between us but we never acted on it because I was looking for something meaningful and he was not looking for that type of relationship. He sits down beside me, orders his drink orders me another one. We get our drinks we do a little cheer and take a drink. I looked him dead in the eye and asked him if he had any condoms. He spit his drink out and said yes, he did. I said “Good”. I want you to take me home and fuck my lights out. Talk about the Dear in the headlights look, he had it. He asked if I was serious and I said yes. He asked for the tab, and said he would go get the car and for me to meet him outside in 10 minutes. I said OK. He left and some other people that I know came up and starting talking to me and I proceeded to laugh and have a good time. I forgot all about asking the man to take me home and FMLO. I went home by myself, woke up the next morning and about the second stretch I remembered what I had done. I could not believe I had done that. I didn’t have his number with me, it was at the office. Monday as soon as I got to work, I called him and when he answered I told him who it was calling him and he did a little laugh. I told him the truth, that I had just got side tracked and forgot about him. All he said is “That is so Cake Lady”. We both laughed and to this day we are still friends. We still have not slept together. I doubt he would say yes a second time. That would have to be my blondest moment.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Update From The Cake Lady

Hey everyone!
I have been really swamped at work and in my other life. Several people have e-mailed me to ask if I fell off the face of the earth, the answer is NO - I'm alive and kicking.

Those cock roaches the size of small horses that took up residence in my pine bark mulch are now DEAD! I got some boric acid. Note to anyone using boric acid, it will also kill your plants. My boxwood's are now dead too. I'm not too upset about this because I hate boxwood's and planned to replace them anyway.

For those of you who are concerned about me sending my DNA to someone, I don't think it's a problem because my DNA is all over his house.

Queenie has gotten into the habit of leaving our front door wide open when she leaves the house. I think my neighbor is quite entertained in the morning when I get out of the shower and walk down the hall to get my coffee. My hall faces his front door and it's a clear view. I'm pleasant in the morning but not at all awake. I walked naked about half way down the hall before I noticed that the front door was open. Last night I came home at 8:00pm and she left it open again when she went to work. I think I'll just hang a sign outside that says "Door's open, make yourself at home and do some cleaning while you're here".

GI Joe is failing every subject in school, including PE. How do you fail PE? He has me really worried.

Dear Mr. Drama - There was real Drama at my favorite watering hole last Wednesday. I was even wearing my combat clothes but someone else stepped in to do battle for me.

Guadalajara was as nasty as ever but I did try a new Tequila. Don Julio 1942. If anyone wants to buy me some it's only $190.00 a bottle.

I ran into Mr. Shark yesterday, we had a very pleasant 1 1/2 hour conversation. I forgot just how much he likes to talk.

Mr. Mustang....what can I say? We are still talking and going to lunch together and a kiss or two but that's about it.

The White scaring the hell out of me, he is talking about moving the Huntsvegas. I hope it's just talk. He has always been a long distance love. If he moved here it would be for me and I just don't know how I feel about that. I know it scares me.

Summer is coming to an end and it makes me sad. I love the summer.

I'm saving the best for last. I have lost another 5 pounds!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Blood on the Birthday Card

Is it wrong to send a bloody birthday card? It was not on purpose it just happened. I was in Wally World perusing the birthday cards. I found the perfect card, as I reached for the envelope the card slipped out of my hand. I tried to catch it and the whole side of it from top to bottom somehow managed to slide right down across my finger. It was just one of those freak accidents. My finger is bleeding like I had taken a razor to it. I pick up the card and the envelope, throw them in the buggy and stand there trying to catch the blood. Several employees walk past me and look at me as if this were a normal situation. I don't know about you but I have never seen anyone bleeding and obviously in distress, and just look at them walk past. I cupped my other hand under the one that's bleeding and went to the service desk to ask for a Band-Aid. Trying to hold my hand under the bleeding hand and push a buggy at the same time takes coordination (something that I am lacking in). When I get there, I politely ask the lady at the desk if I may have a Band-Aid. She looks at me as if I had asked her to do my shopping for me and pay for it too. I looked back at her daring her not to find me a Band-Aid. After a moment she realized that I was not going to leave so she reached behind the counter and took out a Band-Aid. Somehow I just knew that there would be a Band-Aid at the service desk. I'm so smart that way. Anyway, back to the bloody birthday card. I bought the perfect card and when I went to mail it, I noticed a strange brown line down the side of the card, at first I didn’t know what it was and thought it was a printing error and wondered how I didn’t notice this before. Then it dawned on me that this brown line could be my blood. I just loved the card and didn’t have time to go back for another one so I took a brown marker and ran it down both sides of the card and mailed it. Is that bad? Now my DNA is probably sitting on someone’s counter.