Monday, May 21, 2007


I didn't think I could trust myself anymore. For the longest I prided myself in being able to look deep into my soul and know what is best for me, even when the best sometimes hurts me. Maybe I just got tired of hurting and let things in that I have avoided for so long like love. There are so many kinds of love. There is the love for my children, there is love for a man, there is love for animals, there is love of flowers and there is love for thyself.

I watched a movie tonight that disturbed me on so many levels. The movie was Thirteen. It's been out for a few years, probably since Queenie was 13. She and her BFF always asked me to rent it for them but after looking at the description, I decided it was not something a Thirteen or Fourteen or Fifteen or Sixteen year old should see. Queenie is 16 now and opened her own account at Movie Gallery. Yesterday when I picked Queenie and GI Joe up from her Dad's house she said she had rented the movie Thirteen. She said she and BFF had watched it and admitted that she was glad that I didn't let her watch the movie when she had asked to. Parents, there is a reason for that Rated R. I am glad that Queenie admitted to me that the movie was far too advanced for her and BFF. I decided to watch it tonight to see what it was that I didn't want her to see. It was worse than I feared. It totally scared the hell out of me. So much went on in this movie about 2 Thirteen year old girls. I felt sick afterwards for the characters because I know that this really does happen.

I am fortunate that I have raised Queenie to think beyond the moment (except for what she did a few months ago). She and I are pretty good Chess players. In 6th grade her school hosted a Chess tournament for parent and child. She entered us and although we didn't win, we did very well. We came in second. Her 6th grade year book has a great picture in there of Queenie and me in deep thought about what our next move would be. I think that is pretty much how I live my life. What is my next move going to be? Should I go back to where I was several years ago? I don't think so. Should I get rid of my cat because she is evil? Probably so, but I adopted her and I just can't throw her back because she is evil. Should I throw out my plants because they have yellow leaves on them? I don't think so because I can pinch off the yellow leaves and see their beauty. Should I just go to sleep and never wake up to deal with all the hurt? I don't think so. I have a yellow rose bush that Queenie and GI Joe gave me last year for mothers day. If I went to sleep I wouldn't see the tiny bloom that is sprouting right now. If I went to sleep I wouldn't see my turtle Jinges growing and changing colors. If I went to sleep I wouldn't get to experience that natural high that I get when a man just looks at you when we are making love and the look tells you what the words don't. If I went to sleep I wouldn't be able to talk to and guide my children in a positive direction.

I have seen the ugly in many things, but somehow I seem to manage to turn the ugly into something beautiful. I guess I'm OK tonight.


Junebugg said...

I haven't seen the movie so I had to google it, I can see why you didn't want Queenie to watch!

This post was beautiful, I believe this is the most poetic I've ever seen you write.

Thanks for all the well wishes to Sweet Thang, I've told him how wonderful my blog buddies are!

Anonymous said...

You always want to wake up and see the beautiful sunrise. It is best on the beach but no matter where I am, a sunrise restores my faith and gives me the hope of a new day.

Jay said...

I'm glad you are.