Thursday, May 31, 2007

Life's Lessons

Today Queenie got me upset to the point that I wanted to start banging my head against the wall because the pain in my head would surely feel better than the pain a 16 year old can cause her mother. I doubt there are any 16 year olds out there reading my blog but if you are then pay attention to this one. You know very little about life or I hope you don't and that is a blessing. A 16 year old is still young. You should take your time and enjoy your youth. Life's lessons will be there for you down the road. You will probably not recognize them right now but one day you will think back and say "now I understand what my mother was saying".

The most important lesson is that you can not possibly judge someone until you walk in their shoes. I know it's an old cliché but it is true. My Mother had an affair and divorced my Father for a horrible man. I resented my mother for many years. I loved her but didn't like her. I thanked God every night that she didn't marry this man whom she had the affair with. I resented her for many things and 1 of them was for having the affair. It never occurred to me that she was not happy with my Father. I didn't have an affair but I am certain that I would have had one if I didn't divorce Queenie's father. It was when I divorced 5 years ago that I was able to understand and forgive my mother.

I hope that one of the lessons that I teach Queenie is that she always has a choice. I choose not to be miserable. Today during our heated discussion she made a remark about Love lasting forever and I told her that was not true, that sometimes it doesn't last. She pointed out that her fathers parents marriage had lasted for over 60 years and I asked her if that was the kind of relationship that she wanted to have forever. That struck a nerve in her and then her claws came out. She knew I had a point. We both expect that one day the phone will ring and it will be the coroner telling us that her grand parents have killed each other. Who wants to have that kind of a relationship for the sake of saying "it lasted"? I told her that I made the choice to be happy and I had no regrets. Of course that didn't set well with Queenie. I told her that at 16 she can not possibly understand what it's like to make choices in ending a marriage.

Queenie said I have not taught her any life lessons. If I teach her anything, I hope I teach her that she has choices in everything. Not to say if something is not going her way just to jump ship and run. I mean that if something is going bad, I hope she steps back and takes an objective look at the situation and asks herself. Can this be fixed? If so, fix it. If it can't be fixed then I hope she moves on.

I hope she can see that money is not the answer to everything. Sure, it helps but it is not a fix all. Just because a parent doesn't have the money to send a child to college does not mean that they can't go. There are student loans, grants, scholarships and probably some things that I don't even know about. The point is, don't blame your parents for not being able to pay for it.

I hope Queenie will one day look back and see the accomplishments that I have done all on my own, no physical or financial help from anyone. How many woman can repair toilets, fix lawn mowers, mend clothes, pay a Mortgage, Utilities, Car Payment, Groceries and still find money to give her kids for movies and dinner? I am proud of what I have accomplished.

Don't blame others for what is missing in your life. If you want it, it's up to you to get it.
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to make the best of what you have.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

The Demons are Back

I hate long weekends because I almost always spend them alone. All and all it wasn't too terribly bad this weekend except for the panic attack Sunday night. It's been a while and I guess I was due one. I wish that I knew what brings them on but I don't. GI Joe and Queenie went back to their Dads house Sunday night around 6pm just like they always do. I was fine for a while. I was laying on the couch watching TV and got sleepy, so I shut my eyes to sleep. My couch is so cushioned that I was uncomfortable. I laid there as long as I could until I was miserable. Miserable because I knew that if I just went and got in the bed that physically I would be more comfortable and miserable because I also knew that when I got into bed that the demon would be there to torment me. Luckily I have quit flying in the night. That really scared me when I would wake up and see myself flying in the air.

Just the mere thought of laying in my bed alone brought panic. It's not like I even hear things that are not there. I don't hear anything. I just get the feeling that someone is watching me. Then I start imagining things. I finally fell asleep sometime after 3:30am.

Monday was better. I bought myself a new power tool and not the kind that we ladies call "BOB". I bought a palm sander to use on my ceilings to smooth the sheet rock mud that I have applied. It's pathetic that a palm sander can bring me so much joy. That statement right there should tell you just how lonely that I am. Later I went to dinner with Jewels and her family and all I can say is that I love that bunch. Jewels has always said that God has a special place for me in Heaven but I believe he has a special place for all of us. I wonder if there is a loony bin in Heaven for us special people?

I have a post it note tacked on my office wall that has some things that I would like to do in my life. Someone came into my office one day, saw the note and added a line that said "Talk to Someone Tonight". I am a bit too guarded and I'm trying to break out. They say don't judge a book by it's cover and I really try not too. Friday night the kids both had plans so there I was at home by myself. Later Aunt J called and asked me to join her for a drink and so I did. She and I and a bunch of her other friends were listening to a band and a really tall good looking guy started talking to me. My first instinct was to blow him off because he was not what I typically liked in a man but decided to talk to him. As it turns out, I really liked him and he was TALL!! (I'm 5'8"). Aunt J and the rest of the gang decided to go a few blocks to another little bar, so I asked the new guy "Mr. Rude (a play on his real name)" if he wanted to join us and he said yes. I told him that I would see him there and he said why not just ride with him on his new Harley. Now, I am not a motor riding chick by any stretch of the imagination. That falls under the unsafe/I'm not in control category, but Mr. Rude had made me feel so good that I thought "what the hell, might as well". I know, I know getting on the back of a Harley or in a car with someone that I don't know is not a good idea but people do it all the time, so I decided to just go with it.

We both needed to pee before we left so we parted at the bathroom door and I said I'll meet you outside. I came out of the bathroom and I waited and waited, but no sign of Mr. Rude. I went outside where his Harley was (he had already showed it to me) and it was gone. I was so let down. I couldn't believe he left. Worse yet, I couldn't believe that I misjudged him to be a decent man. So there I am by myself with no car, I got a taxi and met Aunt J and the rest of the gang. They were as shocked as me that he left me. They had spoke to him too and Aunt J had given the OK. Oh well, maybe it was best that he left me. After all, I didn't need to be going someplace with a man that I had only known for 2 hours. I'm just going to look at this a one less horny toad to be kissed!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Thirteen

I didn't think I could trust myself anymore. For the longest I prided myself in being able to look deep into my soul and know what is best for me, even when the best sometimes hurts me. Maybe I just got tired of hurting and let things in that I have avoided for so long like love. There are so many kinds of love. There is the love for my children, there is love for a man, there is love for animals, there is love of flowers and there is love for thyself.

I watched a movie tonight that disturbed me on so many levels. The movie was Thirteen. It's been out for a few years, probably since Queenie was 13. She and her BFF always asked me to rent it for them but after looking at the description, I decided it was not something a Thirteen or Fourteen or Fifteen or Sixteen year old should see. Queenie is 16 now and opened her own account at Movie Gallery. Yesterday when I picked Queenie and GI Joe up from her Dad's house she said she had rented the movie Thirteen. She said she and BFF had watched it and admitted that she was glad that I didn't let her watch the movie when she had asked to. Parents, there is a reason for that Rated R. I am glad that Queenie admitted to me that the movie was far too advanced for her and BFF. I decided to watch it tonight to see what it was that I didn't want her to see. It was worse than I feared. It totally scared the hell out of me. So much went on in this movie about 2 Thirteen year old girls. I felt sick afterwards for the characters because I know that this really does happen.

I am fortunate that I have raised Queenie to think beyond the moment (except for what she did a few months ago). She and I are pretty good Chess players. In 6th grade her school hosted a Chess tournament for parent and child. She entered us and although we didn't win, we did very well. We came in second. Her 6th grade year book has a great picture in there of Queenie and me in deep thought about what our next move would be. I think that is pretty much how I live my life. What is my next move going to be? Should I go back to where I was several years ago? I don't think so. Should I get rid of my cat because she is evil? Probably so, but I adopted her and I just can't throw her back because she is evil. Should I throw out my plants because they have yellow leaves on them? I don't think so because I can pinch off the yellow leaves and see their beauty. Should I just go to sleep and never wake up to deal with all the hurt? I don't think so. I have a yellow rose bush that Queenie and GI Joe gave me last year for mothers day. If I went to sleep I wouldn't see the tiny bloom that is sprouting right now. If I went to sleep I wouldn't see my turtle Jinges growing and changing colors. If I went to sleep I wouldn't get to experience that natural high that I get when a man just looks at you when we are making love and the look tells you what the words don't. If I went to sleep I wouldn't be able to talk to and guide my children in a positive direction.

I have seen the ugly in many things, but somehow I seem to manage to turn the ugly into something beautiful. I guess I'm OK tonight.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Memories

I hope that all you Mothers had a great day yesterday! Yesterday was not the best Mothers Day that I have had, however it could have been worse. Last night as I sat on the couch I starting thinking about some of the things that I hope will be lasting memories for me. I'm going to write about a few of them, so later when my memory is completely gone I can tell my kids about this blog. Hopefully at that time they will be old and mature enough to handle some of the things that they will read on some of my other posts.

My mother, my Sister, me and Queenie used to go to Piccadilly Cafe for lunch every Saturday. After lunch Mama, Sis and and I would put on lipstick. Queenie would not stand for this. She had to put lipstick on too. She looked like a petite little woman and what skill she had at 2 years old. She put it on like a professional.

When GI Joe was about 4 we wondered about his sexual orientation. He loved for me to paint his toes and nails. He wore my high heels and was typically a Mama's boy. He used to come get in my lap and tell me he wanted to lay on my pillows (my breast). One afternoon he came walking into the living room with his painted toes and nails, wearing my heels and he stopped dead in his tracks, sort of like a deer caught in the headlights. The TV was on the Country Music Channel and Shania Twain was on a video singing "You Win My Love". He stopped, sat in the floor and said "She is beautiful". He didn't move for a long time. I thought he was in a trance. I never worried about his sexuality after that.

For Queenie's 3rd Birthday we bought her one of those battery powered Red Jeep's. She had so much fun driving that thing. Her Dad and I would walk to his parents house a few blocks away and Queenie would be right beside us driving. She never had a problem distinguishing her left from her right and obeyed all the driving rules. She is now 16 and is a good driver and I truly think that this Jeep at such an early age played a big part of her driving skills.

When GI Joe got about that age we passed the Jeep down to him. Let's just say that to this day during football his coach has to put a L and R on his hands because he still has trouble knowing left from right. He ran that thing into the house because he couldn't just his distance. If that is a sign of things to come then our insurance is going to be sky high!

When GI Joe was about 7 or 8 he received a Birthday card from Mama. It was a little sappy and when he sat down and read the card, tears just started rolling. I asked him what was wrong and he said the card just touched his heart. Yes, GI Joe is kind and soft hearted unlike his sister Queenie who seriously scares me in her ways of thinking. She is very book smart but sometimes her common sense is just plain stupid.


One Christmas Queenie received an Alabama law book from Mama. It belonged to my Great Great Grandfather. She was so proud of that book. She read it for hours. Oh, as soon as Queenie could talk I told her that she should be an Attorney because they got paid to argue. It stuck, she plans to be a lawyer.

When Queenie was 4 years old she was playing on the Jungle Jim in our back yard. She fell off of it and came crying to us and telling us that her arm was broken. We asked her if she could move it in different directions and she said she could but it hurt. Queenie is quite the drama queen. Her kindergarten teacher told her that she had more aches and pains than Granny Grunch. doing her 1st ballet with a broken arm. She stopped crying and continued to play all the while holding her arm. The next day I took her to day care and about 2 hours later I get a call from her teacher, and she tells me the Queenie is complaining that her arm is broken. I remember all to well sighing out loud and in frustration said "OK, I will take her to the Doctor". I took her to the Doctor and sure as shit it was broken. When we asked her to move it, we failed to have her move it in a certain direction. I felt so guilty but in my defense Queenie could have starred in that story book "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". Queenie had her 1st dance recital 3 days later. She was so cute up there on stage in her little tootoo and that white cast on her arm stood out like a soar thumb. For several weeks after the recital people would stop us in the mall and the grocery store and ask if she was the little girl who danced with the broken arm.

The first year that GI Joe played baseball or T-ball at that age, he looked so cute standing out in the field. His cap was all askew and he was watching so hard for the ball. It nearly hit him in the head.

I think Queenie was about 9 and my sister read her a Christmas story about a broken bell and only children could hear the bell because they were the only ones with Christmas spirit. After hearing the story, I tied a small bell on a card and hung it on the tree. On Christmas morning she saw it and rang it. I told her that I couldn't hear it. She was so amazed. She carried that bell around for weeks. A couple of times I almost slipped. I finally had to snag it from her and put it up for her to have when she has kids of her own.

One Easter we visited Asshole's Sister and her husband (I still love them) at their mountain house in North Carolina. GI Joe was so upset because he was afraid the Easter bunny could not find him. We assured him that the Easter bunny showed up where ever he had a basket. He was so surprised on Easter morning when he woke up to find all the goodies that the bunny had left for him.

We went to WDW when Queenie was about 9 and GI Joe would have been about 4. We were so worried about GI Joe getting separated from us. We drilled him the entire way down there (11 hour drive) and told him that if he got lost from us that he should find a WDW employee and them them that he was lost. We were at MGM studio watching the most spectacular light show I have ever seen. It was magical. We all got up to leave, walked to the end of the exit. We looked down and I said where is Queenie? Mama had GI Joe in the stroller. Asshole said I thought she was with you. I said no, she was with you. I panicked. If you have ever been to WDW you have seen the masses of people. It took me 10 minutes to fight the crown coming out. When I got back to the stage there was no Queenie. I alerted one of the employee's and a few minutes later they radioed that she was found. The took me to her. It never occurred to me that Queenie would get separated from us. Thank God she was listening to what we were saying to GI Joe and a big thanks to the WDW employees.

The first time that GI Joe flew he was 9. He was very scared, didn't want any part of it. I assured him that all would be OK. He was so nervous. We went through the security check where I want off. It was so noisy. I tried to tell him to hold up and wait for me but he didn't hear me. When he finally did realize that he was alone he turned around and saw the airport security patting me down. If he wasn't worked up already, this put him over the edge. They would not let him come back to me. It was horrible. I was screaming for him to be calm and I would be right there and that I was OK. He somehow managed to get in the wrong terminal and security would not let me go get him. I am all about airport security but this was ridiculous. What did they think he would do? When they finally let me go, I ducked under a bar and headed towards him. That didn't set well at all with security. I guess my Mother voice came out when they caught me. They let us go but it was not a good 1st flying experience for GI Joe.

Funny as the kids get older my memories are not all so sweet. There are still sweet moments but they are not quite so memorable. Treasure all the sweet memories of your children or anyone else that is special to you.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

It Came to me!

Have you ever been sleeping and wake up and see the light bulb in your head flashing on and off? I do this a lot. This morning I woke up to the flashing light of a mistake that I made on one of my blog post. I am such a perfectionist. A few blogs back I posted about Baseball and spoke of Darryl Strawberry and remember his debut with the braves. Guess what???? I woke up this morning and it hit me. Darryl Strawberry never played for the Atlanta Braves. It was Deion Sanders that I was thinking of when I wrote that blog. Somehow Darryl Strawberry got in my head. At least I got the Initials correct (D.S.). Let me apologize to any of you Baseball fans out there. I'm not going to correct the blog now, but I will go add a note in case someone who hasn't read it, does read it. Hopefully they will not be thinking what a dumb blonde! Just a dumb blonde moment.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Excavation!

OK - so I agree to go to dinner with someone who I met via the Internet. He doesn't live anywhere close to me, so I'm thinking. OK Cake Lady just go out and have a good time. I meet Mr. Excavation at a really cool restaurant close to where I am staying. I get there, find him and sit down. I had not been sitting more than 30 seconds and he starts excavating his nose. I try not to notice, thinking maybe this is some sort of nervous habit. Can you just imagine??? Date can't keep his hands out of his nose. At times he had both fingers going at once. Luckily for me he wasn't doing any deep excavation, but Man keep your damn fingers out and away from your nose! 1, 2, 3 strikes and you are out.

1. I was running late, he called and asked if he should order the pizza. I said yes, just make sure there are no Olives on it. Guess what? There are Olives and apparently my dislike for Olives just went right over his head.

2. Continuous excavation of the nose.

3. I offered to pay part of the bill and he said I could leave the tip. I did a good job of hiding my surprise. Sorry folks, I am from the South. We offer because it is polite but never would I expect anyone to take me up on it. And if they did - well strike 3, you are out!!!!

I am Thankful that we do not live in the same town. He asked me if I had plans for tomorrow and I said YES. I don't really have any plans but I will find some!

Oh and one more thing. When we were walking to the parking lot, I looked down and saw some money on the ground. I picked it up. $15.00. I looked around to see if anyone around me could have dropped it. No one was in site, so I said what should I do. We both agreed that it would never get to the rightful owner if I were to take it into the restaurant. But he made a comment about me getting lucky with dinner and finding money. I should have told him that that 1st slice of pizza didn't accidentally fall on the ground. I accidentally on purpose let it drop. I was not about to eat a slice of pizza from excavation fingers. I got my own slice from the opposite side.

Adventures of The Cake Lady

Stay tuned for the adventures of The Cake Lady.

My next post might be heart breaking so for the week of heart, don't read my next post. I say it will be heart breaking because my heart is breaking right now. I hope I have the courage to write what needs to be said and that someone else can benefit from my bad fortune. I am in Fort Walton Beach, FL as I write this. I am by myself and that doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. It was a call to my sister that has me hurting so badly that I want to die. Yes, I said it. I want to die. I'm not going to do anything that can't be reversed. I just want to write it in hopes that I will feel better. I am so tired of trying to hide my feelings to protect others.

Edit- i just spoke to Trick and I feel much better, going to enjoy my date tonight.

Another Edit - I have yet another validation as to why I don't have high expectations when it comes to men. As I said earlier I am on a mini vacation. I met this man via the Internet. We have spoke via Internet and exchanged pictures. Most of my initial fears when I meet a man are of the physical nature. Meaning, will I be safe with this man. After tonight I now have a new fear. See next blog!