Monday, March 26, 2007

What do People Think About me?

What can I say? It seems like I used to write about happy things, like having cake and having sex but lately there is just not enough cake and sex for me. The things that are on my mind are just depressing. For any of you who have children of a young age, enjoy them because as they get older they will rip your heart out. I have 50/50 joint custody of my children and even though GI Joe is supposed to be with me this week, I have allowed him to stay with his Dad for 2 reasons. GI Joe is struggling with 6th grade and his Dad has the patience and know how to better help him than I can. GI Joe is also at an age that he really needs a man in his life. It doesn't bother me to much because I know that even though I miss him terribly, I am doing what is best for GI Joe. He is just there during the school nights and will come to my house Friday night and stay till he goes back on Sunday.

Queenie announced yesterday that she too would be staying with her Dad this week, when I asked why she just said "no reason". It should not have hit me so hard when she said this because, I know Queenie and how she thinks. By not coming to my house she is getting back at me for not letting her have her way. She wanted to take Ice Skating as elective next year and I said no. Queenie used to be a competitive skater but that was 4 years ago. I made her stop 4 years ago because she never put forth the effort to practice like she should for the amount of money that I was spending. It was just something for her to do. And after about one month I never heard a word out of her about missing Ice Skating. This year Trickster got together an Ice Skating/Dancing team to perform during the intermissions of our favorite Hockey team. It had been 4 years since Queenie had performed and forgot her jumps and spins. So, I signed her up for some refresher lessons with Trickster. All was good till Queenie found out that she could get out of school early by taking Ice Skating as an elective. Aside from the $145.00 extra per month that it would cost me, unless Queenie wanted to competitively skate again (and she doesn't) then I didn't see the need for her to get out of school early to go skate. So, I told her "No". Queenie in turn told me "No" to coming to my house. Her Dad could however say "you need to go to your Mom's house but that would be somewhere in the neighborhood of pissing on me if I were on fire and that just ain't gonna happen.

The things that hurt about this that I can identify are 1. I was looking forward to spending time with her. 2. I hate when people ask "what are the kids up to this week or what are you and the kids going to do this week"? Then I have to tell them that the kids are not with me this week. What I see in their face is "you must be a really horrible mother". I know that I'm not a horrible mother but just can't shake that feeling that maybe history is repeating itself.

I didn't have a lot of motherly love growing up. As a matter of fact the things that happened in my life while growing up were so terrible that at one point I didn't want to live. I no longer feel that way but will probably always doubt myself as a mother, just because I didn't have one who set a good example.


Anonymous said...

Cake Lady,
Don't be so down on yourself. Just because your kids don't come back to your house does not make you a bad mother. If anyone says that to you then they are not your friend. By not forcing your children to come back to your house you are giving them the love and support that a good mother would give. It may not fell good to you right now, but you are being a good mother to your children. In an earlier blog, you said you went to an attorney. Was it to see about getting full custody of your children? I had asked about that earlier because I didn't know about getting the divorce decree amended. If you don't mind sharing if it was worth it to see the attorney. I might use my tax money to do the same. It is obvious from what I have read about you that you are a good mother. Keep your chin up, and go out and get a good piece of cake.

Cake Lady said...

I see the attorny on 04/05 and I'm sure I will have a lot to blog about. I am not trying to get full custody. I want to see if I can get the child support amended. I do not receive child support (against the advice of my attorny). I just wanted out and if I had asked for child support then it would have been a contested divorce. He makes a lot more money than I do. I just want peace of mind to know if there is anything that I can do at this point. I will probably not do anything but at least I will have peace of mind.

Anonymous said...

Good Luck and keep us posted!