Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Am I Unique or Just a Freak?

Am I Unique or just a freak? Maybe I'm just ordinary? Lately I cry a lot. I know that I am lonely and also know that I can't just go pick someone out like you pick a watermelon at the grocery store. I was married for 15 years. We never should have married in the 1st place. It wasn't even a matter of "having" to get married. He rescued me and I felt that I owed him something. After a while I realized that I didn't owe anybody anything and I left him. I have been divorced for almost 5 years. I have been telling myself that I don't want to get into a relationship that I would introduce my children into. I have no regrets for leaving their father but I have guilt for putting myself before the kids. He said I should have stayed for the sake of the children and I said no. I stood up and did something for me. I'm not sure I will every truly get past the guilt of breaking up a family for the sake of my happiness.

I have been saying that I only want a relationship when with someone when the kids are not around. Trick believes otherwise and I am beginning to believe it too. But as stated above I can't go pick out a man like I pick out a watermelon. So what's wrong with me? Nothing! I just don't have the confidence in myself. Everything that I see good in me, I believe someone else see's me as a freak. How do you cope with being lonely? I can think of a dozen or more things to keep me occupied but loneliness and being occupied are 2 different things. I get out as often as I can. I know I can't win the lottery without buying a ticket, just like I know that I will not meet Mr. Right unless he is the man who comes to do repairs at my house. So, for now I will continue to be "just me" and maybe one day someone will see me as unique and not a freak.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I find myself in the midst of the same decision that you made 5 years ago. It is a difficult decision and one I am hoping that my wife will not go through with. I just thought I would let you know I understand.

Cake Lady said...

Thanks Mr. Anonymous for you kind words. Good Luck with your decision.

Anonymous said...

Hey Cake Lady,
Keep your chin up!

Anonymous said...

Hey it is Mr. Anonymous from the top. If you could go back 5 years what would you do?

Stay or go?

Cake Lady said...

Dear Mr. Anonymous. If I had it to do all over again. My decision would be to leave. I am lonely now but I can be me. I don't have to justify my every move. I'd rather be lonely and misserable than to be lonely and misserable with someone who doesn't share my same goals and interest. My kids are actually doing quite well with the divorce. It was hard at first and even though thier father and I don't see eye to eye on everything, we put our children's interest first. I am proud of that. Even though I am lonely at times, there are also times that I am very happy just to be me.