Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Tuesday Tidbits - on a Wednesday

  • I love my job, I love my job, I love my job - I just need a break.
  • GI Joe is now 12 going on 15
  • I ate lunch yesterday at an upscale restaurant in Huntsville and I was just so impressed that they not only boxed my left overs in a black box but they also used a Silver gel marker and wrote the name of the restaurant and what was in the box and dated it. I fear Trick must have been somewhere in the background letting them know that I am oblivious to food dates.
  • I made myself go out and meet a new person last night. He is not the one so I will not even bother with a code name for him.
  • There is so much pollen in the air today that by the time I got in the car this morning, my black dress is now black and yellow.
  • My weight looked good on the scales this morning. I might wear this black and pollen dress every day!

Monday, March 26, 2007

What do People Think About me?

What can I say? It seems like I used to write about happy things, like having cake and having sex but lately there is just not enough cake and sex for me. The things that are on my mind are just depressing. For any of you who have children of a young age, enjoy them because as they get older they will rip your heart out. I have 50/50 joint custody of my children and even though GI Joe is supposed to be with me this week, I have allowed him to stay with his Dad for 2 reasons. GI Joe is struggling with 6th grade and his Dad has the patience and know how to better help him than I can. GI Joe is also at an age that he really needs a man in his life. It doesn't bother me to much because I know that even though I miss him terribly, I am doing what is best for GI Joe. He is just there during the school nights and will come to my house Friday night and stay till he goes back on Sunday.

Queenie announced yesterday that she too would be staying with her Dad this week, when I asked why she just said "no reason". It should not have hit me so hard when she said this because, I know Queenie and how she thinks. By not coming to my house she is getting back at me for not letting her have her way. She wanted to take Ice Skating as elective next year and I said no. Queenie used to be a competitive skater but that was 4 years ago. I made her stop 4 years ago because she never put forth the effort to practice like she should for the amount of money that I was spending. It was just something for her to do. And after about one month I never heard a word out of her about missing Ice Skating. This year Trickster got together an Ice Skating/Dancing team to perform during the intermissions of our favorite Hockey team. It had been 4 years since Queenie had performed and forgot her jumps and spins. So, I signed her up for some refresher lessons with Trickster. All was good till Queenie found out that she could get out of school early by taking Ice Skating as an elective. Aside from the $145.00 extra per month that it would cost me, unless Queenie wanted to competitively skate again (and she doesn't) then I didn't see the need for her to get out of school early to go skate. So, I told her "No". Queenie in turn told me "No" to coming to my house. Her Dad could however say "you need to go to your Mom's house but that would be somewhere in the neighborhood of pissing on me if I were on fire and that just ain't gonna happen.

The things that hurt about this that I can identify are 1. I was looking forward to spending time with her. 2. I hate when people ask "what are the kids up to this week or what are you and the kids going to do this week"? Then I have to tell them that the kids are not with me this week. What I see in their face is "you must be a really horrible mother". I know that I'm not a horrible mother but just can't shake that feeling that maybe history is repeating itself.

I didn't have a lot of motherly love growing up. As a matter of fact the things that happened in my life while growing up were so terrible that at one point I didn't want to live. I no longer feel that way but will probably always doubt myself as a mother, just because I didn't have one who set a good example.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Finding and Keeping a Life Partner

I borrowed this from someone else's blog. Since it seems to be written for me, I am going to re-post it. This is for those who married the 1st time for the wrong reasons or if you are thinking about getting married.


Golden rules for finding your life partner
by Dov Heller, M.A.

A relationships coach who lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50% it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound "not politically correct," there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone." You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch?A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.? How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework. Another perspective...There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life. An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye. "Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important. Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life" you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT.

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace the passion.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Am I Unique or Just a Freak?

Am I Unique or just a freak? Maybe I'm just ordinary? Lately I cry a lot. I know that I am lonely and also know that I can't just go pick someone out like you pick a watermelon at the grocery store. I was married for 15 years. We never should have married in the 1st place. It wasn't even a matter of "having" to get married. He rescued me and I felt that I owed him something. After a while I realized that I didn't owe anybody anything and I left him. I have been divorced for almost 5 years. I have been telling myself that I don't want to get into a relationship that I would introduce my children into. I have no regrets for leaving their father but I have guilt for putting myself before the kids. He said I should have stayed for the sake of the children and I said no. I stood up and did something for me. I'm not sure I will every truly get past the guilt of breaking up a family for the sake of my happiness.

I have been saying that I only want a relationship when with someone when the kids are not around. Trick believes otherwise and I am beginning to believe it too. But as stated above I can't go pick out a man like I pick out a watermelon. So what's wrong with me? Nothing! I just don't have the confidence in myself. Everything that I see good in me, I believe someone else see's me as a freak. How do you cope with being lonely? I can think of a dozen or more things to keep me occupied but loneliness and being occupied are 2 different things. I get out as often as I can. I know I can't win the lottery without buying a ticket, just like I know that I will not meet Mr. Right unless he is the man who comes to do repairs at my house. So, for now I will continue to be "just me" and maybe one day someone will see me as unique and not a freak.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Tribute to The Fruit Cake Lady

I think most of you know who the Fruit Cake Lady is. Sadly, she has passed. This woman was my Idol. She brought me so much laughter. When I grow up, I want to be just like her. Below is a link that shows some of her best moments. I will miss you terribly Mr. Fruit Cake Lady.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnudM458uz8

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Tuesday Tidbits

  • I went to the Mall today during lunch and took Ivanna Trump with me to do a little shopping. I hate shopping. I think it's because I have no taste and just feel overwhelmed. I am now the proud owner of 3 very sexy tops for the summer. I can wear one now.
  • I made an appointment with an attorney to just check out my options in getting my divorce decree amended. Even if I do nothing, just knowing for sure about my options will give me peace of mind. I believe this may be the best $185.00 I have ever spent.
  • I'm feeling better about Mr. Mustang. I have finally accepted that he is not the one. I'm not sure if he knows it or not, but I can only worry about the Cake Lady.
  • I just learned that my mentor the Fruit Cake Lady has passed. God Bless You for making me laugh so hard. I will miss your humor. Folks - look for me to be in her shoes when I'm in my 80's

  • I am officially off some medication that was good at the time but let me give you some advice for anyone who is taking Effexor. When you come off of it, have a friend with you at all times. Do not be alone. Hell, you might want to go ahead and check into an insane asylum. That stuff really messes with your head.

Happy Tuesday to all.

Love - The Cake Lady!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

I am Woman Hear me Roar!

I know just enough to be dangerous!
Who needs a Dewalt or Makita? Not me!
For those of you who truly know me, you know that for a woman I am fairly mechanically inclined. Today I fixed my couch which mysteriously started creaking about 3 or 4 weeks ago. With the suggestion of a friend, I turned it over and saw that the boards that braced the frame had came out. So, last night I got my handy dandy cheep cordless drill/screwdriver along with some drywall screws and tried to pull the boards back together. NO - didn't work. I stripped out the screw heads then had to get a pair of plyerspliers to get it out. So, I thought - Oh this needs a pilot hole. NO - I still couldn't draw the boards back together. At this point I was really pissed. I mean, how hard could this be??? Could it be that I needed a really nice expensive power tool like a Dewalt? I don't think so! I decided there is more than one way to skin a cat. Today I went to my favorite department store Lowes and bought some 1x4's and had them to cut the boards to the length that I needed. I also bought some longer screws. I put the new boards on top of the frame in a slightly different way than what the original boards were. Got out my cheep 18v cordless drill and started to work. Walla! It's by no means pretty but now my couch doesn't creak. Now that I have conquered this task I am going to get back to the son's room. This one has had me twisted for about 2 months. I have been trying to hang a curtain rod. I get the screws in to a certain point and then they just stop, like I have ran into concrete or something. I tried the pilot hole thing and broke a brand new set of bits. The bit went in but when I was taking it out, it broke. As stated above I fixed the couch, it's not pretty but no one see's it anyway. I am going to abandon the power tool and go right for the most powerful tool that I have in my house "The Hammer"! Once that screw stops at that certain point, I am picking up the hammer and I assure you that it will go in after that!
Note:
What the heck does "more than one way to skin a cat mean"? I remember hearing it from my Dad when I was growing up but what does it mean? Who wants to skin a cat? OK, OK, I know that I have one that most people want to introduce their tires to but really...skinning it????
Ladies, you really must check out Lowes on a Saturday afternoon or Sunday!
I feel so good, I think I will try to cook tonight! I feel pretty safe, I just changed out the batteries in the smoke detector!

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

When life gives you Lemons

When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonaid. There is so much more that you can do. I have listed a few things to do with Lemons. Some I have heard before and some are idea's from The Cake Lady.

When life gives you lemons:

1. Use them as weapons and throw them at the people who are making your life miserable (The Cake Lady)
2. Join a citrus support group.
3. Throw them up in the air and work on your shooting skills (The Cake Lady)
4. Learn to juggle
5. Give them to someone else. (The Cake Lady)
6. Cut them up and rub them all over your body. It makes your skin really smooth. (The Cake Lady)
7. Take them to the nearest grocery store and trade them for Apples. (The Cake Lady)
8. Put some fishing line and a hook in them and hang them from the trees, they make great Easter decorations. (The Cake Lady)
9. Pucker up and give someone a kiss. (The Cake Lady)
10. Get a bottle of Tequila and some salt, and life is good. Eeveryone knows I didn't come up with this one but it is "The Cake Lady for Sure"

Monday, March 05, 2007

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for your response (I copied it below)
My post tonight will be in response to your response. Yours is in Blue.
First of all if you think the men you are going out with give a shit then you are wrong. You are wrong. How can you say that about people you don't even know.

They are only out for one thing. Again, you are wrong. I don't have 1 night stands. These men that I have had relationships are caring men. I could call any of them up today if I needed something and they would be there for me. I can't fault them because they don't want the same things that I do. Not one of them ever promised me anything. It just didn't work out, simple as that. We dated. That is what people should do instead of getting married only to find out that they never should have married in the 1st place.

Maybe you should really look hard at who you go out with before you think you are in a relationship. I am very picky about who I go out with. In 5 years I have had 3 relationships.

The 1st one didn't work out because he lives 650 miles away. We knew it wouldn't work but had fun. We still see each other from time to time and still have a good time. There are no bad feelings between us.

Another went on for 4 years and it was me who broke this one off. He has too much to deal with and I don't want any part of the things that he brings with him (2 troubled teenagers), I have enough common sense to know that his problems would end up in our backyard. I have no doubt he wants to marry me, but I don't want the things that he comes with.

The 3rd relationship was not what I thought it was. It went on for about 3 months. I also still talk to him. He's just not what I thought he was.

I have been seeing someone since December. Funny, I say everyday that I am not in a relationship with this man. But deep down I know that I would like to be. We go out on dates. He cooks for me, we laugh together, we watch movies, we talk and have sex but we are not in a relationship. Sure sounds like it though.

One night stands are not relationships!
I totally agree with you on this one, that is why I don't have them.

Make sure that that you get to know them before you will commit.
I have no regrets about any of these men that I have had relationships with or what ever it is you want to call them.

I am a therapist and i know. If you would like to schedule a session I will be back in touch.
If you really are a therapist then your response is quite surprising. I have seen therapist before and none of them were as opinionated as you.

Have a great evening move on and be happy!
Thanks so much for your opinion. It did make me think about things. And I regret nothing in these relationships or whatever you want to call them. Sometimes things just don't work out and it's OK to feel emotions instead of trying to hide them. If I feel sad, it's OK. Feel it and move on.

Best Regards,
The Cake-Lady

p.s. I have a lunch date date tomorrow with the man that I don't have a relationship with and we have a dinner and a movie date Saturday night.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Word Vomit

I am so overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy. It all comes down to relationships. I suck at them. I give too much and receive to little. And Jewels if you are reading this, don't worry about me. I'm OK. I haven't blogged in a while because I have tried to bury myself or my feelings in other things. I'm going to start rambling now, in hopes that word vomit will come out and I'll start feeling better. I am so much happier when I am in a relationship, problem is that it seems that when I'm in a relationship it's just me in it. The men that I get involved with don't ever promise me anything, I just hope for it. I wish I could be mad at these men but I'm not. I'm very picky about the men I let in my life so these are good men. They are honest and caring. They just don't care about me as much as I care about them. I am terrified that I will be a cat lady. You know the type that doesn't have a relationship and instead has 9 cats to keep her company. I don't know why it is that I crave companionship so much. Why can't I just say fuck it. It's just not me and I don't like that. Maybe I should just let the tears out. I am afraid that If I do let them out that they will not stop. For now I will keep praying that God gives my guidance in what to do to overcome these feelings that are causing me so much pain and just move on and be happy with just me and the piglets and the cat.
Love to me - The Cake Lady